February 2008

Our minds can’t help but fashion means by which our loved ones could have survived but the heart-wrenching truth is that’s seldom an option. I respect that to everything, & everyone, there is a season. Although I greatly miss many of the people who’ve moved on from their place in my life, the underlying comfort is that they had their own lives to be about & others to impact in turn. That understanding doesn’t keep those voids from aching thus it’s no wonder the void left by death is a gaping, bottomless, painful obliteration of who we so recently were. We are changed each time another soul touches ours & transformed when our soul is permeated by another. When such a soul leaves this world, nothing is left unaffected.

Taz transcended his fundamental role in life, just as with certain non-fur-people we meet; now & again there’s someone who impacts us to such an extent we can’t help but be baffled as to how we survived without them. His existence proved moment to moment that surviving is all I was doing for, with him, I was thriving — in circumstances that should have made it impossible, no less — & now he’s gone. I’m left incomplete, back in survival-mode, with every moment now vacant. He took such care of us that we did learn important lessons from him but don’t have the same ability to follow through on them. Try as he might, Rhodester can only do so much in the wake of such noble pawprints. He’s certainly no good at keeping me company while he’s at work &, even when home, just doesn’t fit on my lap. My silly hunny keeps hoping Tazzy’s sister, Shadow, will pick up some of the slack but Taz took care of her too & she’s always had a very different purrsonality than his.

In both siblings, we found magnificent cats with exceptionally loving souls that completed our family per — okay, yes — purrfectly. So ideal was the fit & strong the connection that their rescue even made some strange sense of the loss suffered three years ago which led to needing them as much as they needed us. My short-haired black son, the Magical Mr. Mistoffelees, died due to natural causes at the age of ten. Having lost the best puppy EVER, Ian MacRhodes, the previous year to a congenital heart defect at just five, my mourning was doubled & I was lost. Taz picked up where they both left off though for he proved to be a puppy-cat. Great at traveling, with impeccable door-watching/human-welcoming skills, he also put archaic commands like “speak” to shame for he was quite the conversationalist. Tazzy not only acknowledged his name, as does Shadow (dear, sweet, cat only soul that she is), but he responded; he always answered, with complementary tail-wagging to back it up. One of the magnets on our fridge reminds, “There is no such thing as a cat owner,” which Shadow a little too proudly proves. Taz, of course, was no more owned than any cat would or could be but what he established with us was a partnership.

Tazzy’s was a precocious presence.. He kept a watchful eye on all three of us, shared his time equally among us & made each of us feel like the center of his world. Always offering companionship, ready for a conversation & up for anything; no dull, sad or lonely moments could persist with him around. Incredibly intuitive, he was not only an active participant in each of our lives but also offered seized joys for us to participate in. Whereas many a fur-person looks at you as if you’re insane, & oft rightly so, every look from Taz was an understanding gaze or contemplative glance. If you haven’t had the opportunity to experience unconditional love, much less an unspoken knowing, it’s easy to doubt just how much a fur-person can offer. Even if you’ve been smart enough to let pets into your life but either haven’t shared your life in exchange or had the good fortune to encounter a small soul of such depth, it may seem I’m exaggerating. If only I were!

Like the loyalty dogs & puppy-cats exemplify, there’s already much to be learned from cats as they live bravely, freely & without pretense. The wisdom readily displayed by our pets/kids can’t help but inspire us if we’re paying attention; thankfully Taz kept our full attention for he had even more to teach than the average feline. His spectrum of appreciation knew no limits, practicing a purposeful enjoyment of ALL he encountered. He communicated his needs only after meeting yours & had begging down to a science but was never disappointed if not fruitful or, more specifically, tunaful. Making it clear there was no harm — or shame — in asking, he never forgot an outcome but gladly moved on when not successful. Tazzy had always struggled with his health (with symptoms much like mine, in fact) yet gave more than he got, was never diminished by it & rallied with the slightest stimulus. Even during the struggles of his final weekend, he was still showing Rhodester that it’s the simple elements of care that make the greatest impact on health.

Quite the torch has been passed along, to both of his humans; Taz balanced care given & taken, accomplishing them simultaneously. Genuine caring is symbiotic, as was my relationship with him: I’d taken to referencing the symbiosis we had by all-too-accurately calling him “my sanity” &, again, if only I were overstating. Balancing “madness put to good use” with being certifiable is tenuous enough so I find myself not only broken but fragile without my Tazzy. Yet, despite our shortcomings or perhaps because of them, he’s entrusted Rhodester, Shadow & I to each other’s care with a standard of unwavering interaction. As much as I’d like to rail against him being lent to me for this damnably short time, given a choice of him temporarily versus ANYone else longer, I’d choose our scant three years together without the slightest hesitation. Alas, the void left by Tazzy Puppy-cat Rhodes is unfillable thus I’ll have to be careful what attempts to take residency; ensuring I honor his latent energy with equally positive influences. A terribly tall order that I’m bound to benefit from; no doubt all part of the plan.

(|_|*to TAZ*|_|)
“Of all domestic animals, the cat is the most expressive. His face is capable of showing a wide range of expressions. His tail is a mirror of his mind. His gracefulness is surpassed only by his agility. And, along with all these,
he has a sense of humor.”
~ Walter Chandoha ~

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