"I care … what I am to myself."

I’m damaged goods, in more ways than one, the most literal being that I’m brain-damaged. It’s not apparent to most, given that I’m still fairly smart & rather capable. Alas, I used to be smarter & much more capable. Of course, smarts in this scenario consist largely of knowledge. Moreover, access to it. Thankfully, intelligence reaches beyond information.

“I care not so much what I am to others as what I am to myself.”
~ Michel de Montaigne ~

As for capable, I can’t do – much less follow — nearly as much as I once did; without a second thought, no less. Speaking of thought, it’s now more difficult but also more necessary as I repeatedly sort how things are done. The simplest tasks can be the most difficult at any given time. My pseudo-functionality ranges from teaching myself daily tasks again & again to figuring out how shoelaces are tied when it’s been a while since I wore boots.

“The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.”
~ Friedrich Nietzsche ~

Amidst the ongoing struggle just to function, my lack of memories is hardest. Context is the key to accessing info &, the further an event or fact is in time or relation to others, the less it has. It’s troublesome enough finding ways to compile the day to day data but significantly easier than trying to remember anything already past. Personal memories are most elusive as their only context is each other & there are so few sources for clues.

“Memory is a crazy woman that hoards colored rags
and throws away food.”
~ Austin O’Malley ~

From what little I can remember, what I knew of myself before the drain bamage was surprisingly spare. Therefore, the inability to remember those innocuous facts that comprise me should be something I’m used to & utterly understand in others. Yet, perhaps because I do have so little access to who I am on my own, I’m unduly disappointed when I can’t prompt a memory from someone in a position to know — much less care.

“When I was younger, I could remember anything,
whether it had happened or not.”
~ Mark Twain ~

One thing I’ve learned is that the stronger the emotion, the stronger the memory. While this fortunately means that such days as my wedding day are not completely lost to me, nor are the days that were anything but happy. I’ve always believed in living each day to its fullest & living totally in the present is a huge part of that, even if no longer done by choice. I can’t help but hope to regain self-sufficiency along the way tho’ that’s not entirely my choice either. Under the category Blessing in Disguise, I’ve learned to accept the help I consistently require, even if a few hopes are changed up in the mix.

(|_|*cheers*|_|)
“It’s a poor sort of memory that only works backward.”
~ the Queen in “Through the Looking Glass” by Lewis Carroll ~