With Invisible Illness Week wrapping up, I was determined to blog again (as promised) & what better way than to do the meme created for the event. These 30 queries have been 3 days in the answering but I hung in there because awareness of illnesses & issues that are so often not recognized, much less understood, is crucial to the well[ish]-being of those living with them. For a better understanding of what I’m living with & the journey therein, be sure to read my first IIW post: What’s getting in YOUR way?

1. The illness I live with is: still undiagnosed

I had a doctor once & she charged on a sliding scale. Ruling out what she could, she admitted I need more extensive testing which, of course, we couldn’t afford. Instead, she taught me about Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (also known as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) & Fibromyalgia — convinced I had at least one, if not both — & helped me learn more about supplements.

My=muscle / algic=pain
Encephalo=brain / myel=spinal cord / itis=inflammation

2. I was will be diagnosed with it in the year: I become insured

Knowing a diagnosis would leave me essentially uninsurable, my one doctor & I didn’t pursue our well-founded suspicions. Further knowing a diagnosis alone wouldn’t help if it couldn’t be followed up with care — welcome to a healthcare system that’s been broken a long time — we just sought to alleviate symptoms, never imagining I’d still be doing so 15 years later.

3. But I’ve had symptoms since: childhood

I didn’t start putting the pieces together til my mid-20s but, by then, my Chronic Daily Headache was nearly a decade old. A key revelation came as I researched migraines; the overwhelming head pain that comes above & beyond my always present headache. They often present abdominally in children & I’d been treated for “stress” stomachaches in my youth.

4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: brain damage

My struggle to function is a chicken or the egg quandary. The dysfunction stems from my brain misfiring & misunderstanding its own information as my body uses up any energy it manages to generate trying to function, leaving my brain vulnerable. Our minds & bodies are designed to restore themselves regularly but mine can’t thus they degenerate.

5. Most people assume: I’m exaggerating

How could a headache last well over two decades? You couldn’t possibly have it every day! How could you not remember your childhood?! Surely you mean you just don’t remember it well!? Given that I too would love to better understand how such things are possible, if anything, I understate. Declarations without explanations are frustrating from both sides.

6. The hardest part about mornings is: trying to move

It’s admittedly better now that we have some semblance of a bed. After sleeping on the floor for years, our sofa-bed is an utter God-send. Having someplace to sit during the day also rocks but getting to that point can be tricky. Not only is my sleep not as restorative as it should be, it actually creates extra pain since I can’t maintain the needed support for my parts.

“Taking time to rest improves the rest of our time.”
~ Dorian Rhodes ~

7. My favorite medical TV show is: House

While I love sarcasm & brilliance run amok, Greg House’s determination is especially appealing. He’s dealing with chronic pain, fighting to differentiate his legitimate need for drugs from drug-seeking & not letting other people’s agendas stop him. His determination to solve each case leaves me hoping I’ll one day have a doctor that fights that hard for a diagnosis.

8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: my MacBook

Macelangelo, as he’s known, is my connection to the world at large. I’ve been without a computer too often; most recently, before moving to Palm Springs 2 years ago. My physical world is just too damn small without the interwebz. I have no local support, no personal transportation & no other means of staying in touch with family or friends.. nor would I have as many friends!

9. The hardest part about nights is: sleeping

It’s hard to get to sleep, harder to stay asleep & hardest to get enough sleep. With me being tired all the time, you’d think sleep would come easier but, since it doesn’t, I’m all that much more tired. Vicious cycle, anyone? To add insult to injury, between my brain’s misfirings & being woken by pain that occurs if I stay in one position too long, my sleep’s not deep enough.

10. Each day I take __ pills & vitamins. thirteen[ish]

Until I can avail myself of healthcare, meds are rare & I can’t currently afford all the supplements I need. The non-negotiables though are a couple Beano before meals, a multi-vitamin at breakfast, Cranberry capsules with lunch & dinner, daily detox, plus a Melatonin at night. I also allow myself constant ibuprofen one week a month & am rationing my last Rx of Vicodin.

11. Regarding alternative treatments, I: love yoga

Yoga is what got me working again, five years ago now. That job lasted until a fall onto my back which the doctor then recommended yoga for. The breathing & stretching remain part of my coping arsenal but I long for the day I can return to yoga classes. I also know full well that massage & acupuncture make a positive difference but am unlikely to have such options.

12. If I had to choose an invisible or visible illness, I’d choose: neither

Seriously, if there were a choice.. but I digress. If I had to choose a disease, I’d opt for just about anything less debilitating. That’d be doubly handy as many visible illnesses are. While it can be nice to “not look sick,” I’m not sure it makes up for the reactions using a motorized cart in a store gets me. Meanwhile, I have been treated better since using a cane.

“Given the choice between the experience of pain and nothing, I would choose pain.”
~ William Faulkner ~

13. Regarding working and career: I miss people

My various jobs have each tapped into my creativity in some way & “working” online fortunately does as well. What my online projects can’t provide is the wonderful randomness of the public. Not that there’s a lack of people, obviously; I mean, here you are (& thanx) yet I miss the unexpected interactions, the smiles & hugs, the people-watching, my customers.

14. People would be surprised to know: how difficult tasks are

I’m continually surprised by the complexity of the simplest things. I’ll be doing something I’ve done before but not remember how. I’ve accepted that I don’t remember things but simple tasks should be doable by rote, no? Instead, I’m constantly relearning everyday routines. Shoe-tying, egg-boiling & other such mundanities require way too much concentration.

15. The hardest thing to accept about my reality has been: thinking

As a student of thought/collector of ideas/lover of concepts, I mourn the unfettered ability to think. Because I do still drink deep of all that I can, as I’m able, the loss may be as invisible as the illness causing it yet my brain often shuts down altogether. I truly believe God is in the details so the blurrier my thinking is, the more disconnected I tend to feel.

16. What I never tho’t I could do while ill but did was: be consistent

My fear of being unable to follow through hasn’t kept me from attempting to, mind you. I have a blog that’s been on an unplanned hiatus since January, am halfway through last February’s HaikuWriMo at deviantART, seem to be collecting unfinished poems & posts.. to name but a few attempts. However, there’s hope for, even when I couldn’t really write, I kept up on Twitter.

17. The commercials about my illness: are aggravating

Mine is as yet unnamed but the various possibilities are addressed & I resent the implication that a pill will fix me. This is yet more rampant online where, amidst all the support sites & articles, lie (pun intended) those proclaiming cures. The only thing I can be sure I have is autoimmune dysfunction which needs funding for research, not incomplete treatments.

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: dancing

I never did get the dance lessons I wanted but it would be harder yet to have an actual skill set & not be able to use it. Despite being untrained, dancing was once my therapy with dance clubs providing escape. It’s been over five years since my last dance — lost to the music & the crowd — which led to being carried off the dance floor & ending up bed-ridden.

19. It was really hard to have to give up: constant coffee

Rest assured, your coffeesister still allows herself one a day. It is a health drink, after all. Although coffee’s been my constant companion for as long as I can remember, my compromised health can’t take too much of a good thing. Hot beverages being a therapy I can’t live without, my morning coffee’s followed-up with black tea then green & I wrap up my day with herbal.

You don’t have to be still with a hot beverage for it to be therapeutic but you’ll be better off for every pause you let it create. (from Finding friendship, drink IN hand)

20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: letting go

Letting go of guilt, chores, the rest of that to-do list or whatever threatens my time &/or sanity thus health is freeing as well as necessary. My time is spent on self-care rather than self-doubt if not bogged down by more than I can possibly do, much less guilt over what’s not done. To-do lists are a lot looser now; I do things not only as I get a chance but if I get a chance.

21. If I had one day of feeling normal I would: dote on my Hunny

Setting aside the question of what the Hell normal is, the thing I resent not being able to do day after pain-wracked day is take care of my husband even a fraction of how well he takes care of me day in & day out. I’d love to be able to put his needs first for a change, not that they never are but mine inevitably rear their helplessly needy head. He so richly deserves a day off!

22. My illness has taught me: to slow down

Perhaps my insomnia since childhood was a symptom of a more compromised system than yet known. Filling those extra hours over the years provided a distraction. By not slowing down, I kept from having to face how I really felt. I could contend being too ill to continue college was just the result of overdoing. All I had to do was find a better balance, right?!

23. One thing people say that gets under my skin is: get well soon

While such well-wishers are well-intentioned, which I do appreciate, the implication that I can “get well soon” belies the reality of my situation. I’m not even sure I’ve ever been well & can’t count on ever being well, dealing as I am with not just chronic but debilitating health issues. Thus, when someone who’s known me for a time uses this phrase, it feels dismissive.

24. But I love it when people: insist on helping

Innate self-reliance makes it hella hard to ask for help yet I need it. If someone helps without being asked, much less insists on doing something for me, it’s an unqualified gift; I’m able to avoid the extra pain & save a little energy while not putting anyone out. It’s an acknowledgment — as much as a reminder to me — that I need help but, moreover, that they understand.

25. My favorite [concept] to get through tough times is: the yin-yang

The yin and yang represent all the opposites found in the universe; each having within them the seeds of their opposite state, that is, sickness has the seeds of health, health contains sickness, wealth, poverty, etc. None can exist without the other &, to the extent we experience anything, we become capable of experiencing its opposite. Seek that seed in every circumstance.

“Don’t curse the darkness – light a candle.”
~ Chinese Proverb ~

26. If someone’s diagnosed I’d like to tell them: your illness isn’t you

Our bodies — being physical — are but part of our circumstances. They & their maladies may effect who we become, as any external force can, yet who we are at our core is up to us. Just as my smile, though initially noticed due to my overbite, is remembered instead for its warmth; whatever your body’s putting you through is distracting but temporary, don’t lose yourself to it.

27. What surprised me, living with an illness, is: it doesn’t get easier

As fatalistic as that may seem, I’m not saying there’s not improvement in the illness itself or my ability to cope with it. However, the understanding that I could get worse again at any given moment is a constant. My condition has roller-coastered year after year, I don’t know what I’ll be dealing with moment to moment, having my life held hostage doesn’t get easier.

28. The nicest thing done, when I wasn’t well, was: remembering me

It’s natural to meet silence with silence but some remember my many silences aren’t by choice, won’t shrug off yet another absence, remember what I’m struggling with & reach out despite my inability to. Quotationaries to blogging, a shout-out into the voids can spark the energy needed or bridge the neglect. My love to all who’ve checked in if I haven’t tweeted for a time.

29. I’m involved with IIW because: understanding leads to progress

From the empathy we with invisible illnesses can share to the better understanding we can foster in those who know us to a clearer picture of the health issues that are a possibility for all of us therefore the true state of our so-called healthcare system, each epiphany paves the way for progress. Seeing these invisible struggles, how do we all not seek to ensure care?

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: grateful &..

I’m overwhelmingly grateful: Grateful that my blog still gets readers (given how much my illness interrupts its flow), grateful you care enough to be here, grateful my experience may make a positive impact & hopeful. My hope is that you’re taking something you can use away with you & that you’ll return. I hope to keep sharing & learning from each other — tell me something I may not know in the comments — for, together, we can change the world.

(|_|*cheers*|_|)
“Joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. The deeper that sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain.” ~ Kahlil Gibran

UPDATE: I’ve now had health care for just over a year which has led to two confirmed diagnoses so far, Endometriosis & Migraine.

PS: Here’s a sampling of others’ “30 Things..”

• Aviva Brandt aka @SickMomma
• Dannette Rusnak aka @FibroHaven
• Diana Lee aka @somebodyhealme
• Elizabeth Wakefield aka @EAWake
• Jasmine Walton aka @jasminepw
• JessiBee aka @fmslife
• warriormare aka @hedwyg

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• 

• Happy 4th of July! May Independence Day bring about new states of mind.. explore it, the possibilities & a #quote or 5; “Independence is a State of Mind” #
• Send this e-card in appreciation of our veterans, service members & their families who protect our independence http://ff.im/-4MsGu #July4th #


“If you can’t do what you want, do what you can.”
-– Lois McMaster Bujold –
(independence comes in degrees & is ours to create)
from my TwitWall, as tweeted below

• Happy Independence Day! http://bit.ly/ScLbF #
• faved "Perfect Summer eve: Fireworks popping & fanning sky, fireflies, sounds of frogs & locusts, the moon high & bright" from @stargardener #

THX @susanreynolds 4RTingME: People don't change w/the times-they change the times. -PKShaw (in challenging ourselves-we challenge the status quo) #

• retweet of @klamach: i would rather die on my feet in peaceful dissidence than live on my knees in oppression #iranelection (via @Killandra) #
• Iranian Women & The Uprising: Culture, Rights & Roundhouse Kicks @bust_magazine http://tinyurl.com/klaugd #iranelection (via @EmpressNorton) #
• This fantastic "Fireworks 2009" slideshow.. http://ff.im/-4Thik ..is by @Karoli who is also fantastic! ^_^ #July4th @paulbritphoto @1Paisley #

watch the very slideshow, tweeted above, right here
• Building a Positive Life – @PeacefulWmn9 http://ff.im/-4Qvld #
• "Love to play in the sun, dance in the rain & walk in the moonlight, yet coming back home is the best!"-@arlenesg's bio (|_|*hear, hear*|_|) #

Uncertainty & expectation are the joys of life. William Congreve (stray from the known path-round corners-discover new possibilities) #quote #

• retweet of @hochmann: new post on bits of buddhism: More Rumi Ruminations: Be your note! Blend with the Divine. http://post.ly/17Ns (<3 Rumi) #
• retwt of @arlenesg: I have a new #twitter sister who luvs #coffee as I do. She's fun. [YAY & THANX (|_|*to my new twitter-coffeesister*|_|)] #

"A lifestyle is what you pay for; a life is what pays you."-Thomas Leonard (tis the little things that build the most rewarding life) #quote #

• coffeesister here / testing #plurk via IM / shall "plurkus" return? (aka bad #haiku 0_0) http://plurk.com/p/17ad73 #
• retweet of @Killandra: Our cause on @Facebook is now over 3000!! Support Blue Ribbon Campaign for #ME/CFS – http://ow.ly/dehk (Just joined!) #
• tis a fuzzy world but all the better for it when that fuzziness comes in the form of @PaganPuppycat http://flic.kr/p/6CDA6q #


this is @PaganPuppycat, as tweeted above

• my @RhodesTer used his few tips to bring me a muffin! having it now w/hot mango #tea as he recuperates from work (aka sleep -_-) *nuts, YUM* #

Dori’s Muffin
by RhodesTer on July 6, 2009

Yesterday, I brought a muffin home for Dori.

She likes it when I do that.

I haven’t been able to do it for a long time, because it was always after an overnight shift at the hotel where I worked in downtown Palm Springs. I was laid-off in December and haven’t been in downtown Palm Springs during the morning since then.

But this weekend they called me back to work a couple of overnight shifts for the 4th of July holiday.

When I got off Sunday morning, I went down to The Coffeebean and got Dori’s muffin. I got one for myself too, and consumed it on the premises with a mocha ice-blended while watching people come in and out.

Then, after finishing mine, I had them put Dori’s muffin into a little brown bag..

CLICK to read the whole story & see a great video!

• as ordered by Thomas @Hochmann – "awesomeness" – check: the balance of yin & yang, peace, love, the moon & stars; ALL awesome in reply to hochmann #
• ATTN: #Twitter – @hochmann's wife (aka Suzy) is awesome! [after all, she puts up w/him.. er, *check* ..for that matter, @RhodesTer too!] in reply to hochmann #

Energy creates energy. It is by spending oneself that one becomes rich. -Sarah Bernhardt (there are no limits when we open our souls) #quote #

• 8-Year-Old With Tourettes Wants Others to Learn Tolerance | theledger.com | The Ledger | Lakeland, FL http://ff.im/-4W4hy #
• A selection of photos of Spain.. http://bit.ly/Ip3Au ..well worth a few minutes of your time. (via @grahunt) [THANX for the new wallpapers!] #


a new addition to my wallpaper collection, as tweeted above

• not sure why, nor am I sure why I think there's a why, but my #brain fog's thick today; actions slow, tho'ts disjointed.. nothing new #fibro #
• as I deal w/multiple issues daily, <3 #Chronic #Pain Warriors: Responding to the Pile-Up of Challenges; http://is.gd/1rBlJ @ Dancing w/ Pain® #

Leonard:You're some piece of work. Jack:We all are, Leonard. I recommend it. L:What? J:Life.-"Mental" (to live's a piece of work) #TV #quote #

• A day without laughter is a day wasted. -Charlie Chaplin #quote @hochmann here to aMUSE.. case in point & more #Chaplin http://bit.ly/14jepC in reply to hochmann #

"A warrior of light has no regrets, because regrets can kill. He humbles himself and undoes the wrong he has done." – #quote by @PauloCoelho #

• an "Inventory of normality" by @PauloCoelho – http://bit.ly/x8rCB – a few favorites are #s 1, 8, 12a, 23, 27, 39, 42, 44 & 47; PLEASE read!? #
• Buffy vs Edward: Twilight Remixed — [original version] http://ff.im/-4Z4ba #


What Would Buffy Do? Notes on Dusting Edward Cullen

• We are indeed in good company so not alone. We also enjoy small blessings & life pleasures w/new appreciation. (from @stargardener) [BINGO!] #
• Desktop wallpaper | Social Wallpapering http://ff.im/-51ywD #


another new wallpaper addition, from the site tweeted above

• the spiritual healing by the fine arts starts as we recognize ourselves in others. http://ff.im/-51IuG #
• hope all is well.. tis a scary time @ the Rhodes' home; determined to keep our wee apt, trusting we ARE where we belong & working on funding #
• How Giving Changes Everything; http://bit.ly/MW2gw by @jonathanmead @zen_habits (via @FairyBlogMother) "[we're] most fulfilled when serving" #

"My hope still is to leave the world a bit better than when I got here." -Jim Henson (empathy & generosity have the greatest impact) #quote #

• THX for the #quote retweet, @uppington making a positive difference is indeed the best we can hope for; a little effort creates huge ripples #
• from @jeanneendo: "FOXY FRIDAY!" Applicable to most any #chronic condition. http://bit.ly/iHhp2 (now to eventually get a #health care pro..) #
• #pain takes over / determination pushing back / détente .. #chronic #haiku >_< !haiku http://ff.im/-545HU #

my blog post agreeing w/ @SueInge-"Be sure to get the sleep you need. Stay rested, stay well"-To rest, perchance to live: http://ub0.cc/3s/W #

• my post "To rest, perchance to live:" has great comments by @Tojosan @TheCharmQuark @JeannetteNL & @prosario_2000 – http://ub0.cc/3s/W – THX #
• from @worldprayr: Pray for those that are experiencing emotional stress due to job loss or other financial issues. (via @marrangee) [THANX!] #

Every moment is a golden 1 for him who has the vision to recognize it as such. -Henry Miller (if not golden, there's a silver lining) #quote #

• I've created my own #quote w/thanx to @quotegarden: "Under every full moon, our hopes & dreams travel its beams." http://tinyurl.com/qg-c001 #
• "Something's Coming (somethin' good)" so unleash the unknown & prepare for the possible; http://bit.ly/ugSXB @Killandra @jeanneendo video 4U in reply to Killandra #
"Uncertainty and expectation are the joys of life."
– William Congreve –
(rather than stay on the path you know,
round some corners & discover new possibilities)
from my TwitWall, as tweeted above, click thru for the lyrics

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• 

• retweet of @hochmann: been thinking about that lately. thinking about the “whats” of my dreams, trying to get past the “why nots” (YAY you!) #


the quotationary Thomas replied to, as tweeted above

• retwt of @Pistachio: #Twitter is; Newspapers in a Blender… Pulped up, turned inside-out & pouring out as liquid streams. (which we create) #
• retweet of @ursulas: OMG! DOMESTIC PARTNERSHIPS ARE NOW LEGAL IN NEVADA!!! Legislature just finished overriding Governor Gibbons’ veto! YAY! #

from the keys of one of Twitter’s founders, @Ev:

retwt of @evskeys: Even I know love’s not based on the hardware you’re born with. No one can tell you the shape of the key that opens your <3

retwt of @evskeys: The internet’s like the human brain; vast power arising from millions of interconnections yet we use less than 10% of it.

• so glad you retweeted @onlinedesign & @EnLieux aren’t those great? @evskeys -the keys belonging to #Twitter founder @Ev- are pretty smart ~_^ in reply to onlinedesign #
• reading “The George #Tiller I Knew” – http://bit.ly/oi047 – (via @QueenofSpain) on The Daily Kos (@markosm) [short yet important read] #tcot #
• via @blogdiva RT @BiancaLaureano: for the record, “pro-life” isn’t something pro-choice folk argue, we argue anti-choice..there’s a BIG diff #

POTUS #quote “However profound our differences over difficult issues such as abortion, they cannot be resolved by heinous acts of violence.” #

• I, w/@EmperorNorton, respect those who seek to reduce the incidence of abortion by helping single mothers. That is productive and Christian. #
• from @EmperorNorton-[Social conservatism] is miseducating its followers. It must say that in civil matters, there’s to be no violence. Ever. #


the quotationary that prompted the quote shared below

my friend provided the perfect #quote to complement y.day’s quotationary: “Don’t let your fear grow bigger than your faith.” – Josie Bissett #

• retwt of @Serene_Balance-What about YOU? Do you Dare to Care? http://bit.ly/jvWyI (caring’s incomplete if not active & every action matters) #
• retwt of @QueenRania-Factoid: There are half a billion women around the world that can’t read or write. That’s the same as population of EU! #
• Welcome to June, dear Tweeps.. many a new beginning lined up, incl. our 19th wedding anniversary tomorrow & @RhodesTer‘s 50th b-day the 9th! #

wrt those new beginnings, to #quote my dear @RhodesTer “I don’t want to have a boss anymore. Bosses are overrated.” http://rhodester.net/hey #

• retweet of @HiroBoga-The myth of job security, & a great post on the fine art of self-employment from @havi: Also, hummus. http://is.gd/LHDd #
• retweet of @mlvalentine-Bloggers didn’t kill journalism, journalists who stopped reporting the news and starting spewing rhetoric killed it. #
• so.. @Rhodester‘s been drinking some Bud Light we got stuck with & keeps offering to share!? if I wouldn’t drink it @ 14, why would I @ 40?! #


1 of the “18 Beautiful Rainbows” tweeted below

• retweet of @spreadingjoy: RT @Jason_Pollock: 18 Beautiful Rainbows from Around the World – http://cli.gs/ZBJ9Jy (I love rainbows!) [so do I] #
• Friar John Cor recorded the creation of the 1st known batch of scotch whiskey 1 June 1495-time to get our whiskey drink on then @goingglocal #

THX @BeMeaningful-“Just as u can’t steer an anchored ship u cant create change until u make changes.” Inspiring interview http://bit.ly/yghkr #

Coping with Someday in Constant Pain:
Dorian (aka coffeesister) Interview
by Alex Fayle on 18 May 2009

Who: Dorian is coffee for the soul; brewing up help, health & happiness from a simple, stimulating & sustainable life while offering life lessons, potential perspectives & empathetic encouragement to all takers for that’s why we’re here: we’ve all been lent to each other.

Name one moment in your life when you threw a pity party for yourself and the reasons why you felt you weren’t able to achieve your goals:
I’ve had chronic pain, in one form or another, throughout my life but that didn’t prepare me for being bed-ridden by my late-20s. I’d gallantly pushed on despite migraines, chronic daily headaches, tendinitis, mild scoliosis & asthma for over a quarter of a century — even keeping a job through what was presumably mono, despite having to drop out of college. Then.. No amount of willpower nor sense of urgency nor the strongest determination could make up for the fact that I was debilitatingly weak, constantly tired, painfully sore & cognitively spent.

CLICK to read the entire interview,
there’s something for EVERYone ~_~

• GO Jeanne! @jeanneendo celebrated her 1yr blogiversary by moving to her own domain; http://chronichealing.com #chronic #endo #fibro #ME #MCS #
• via @charitywater RT @TheWaterProject-Every day we don’t learn how we could do better is a wasted day. The ppl we serve demand our humility. #
• retwt of @spreadingjoy: Here are the results of our month of giving; http://bit.ly/20KF5B Thank you! [(|_|*to joy being created/shared*|_|)] #
• from @RhodesTer: 19 yrs of wedded bliss. Happy Annual-versary to US http://tinyurl.com/o74hz6 [his post's worth reading, my comment too] #
• btw, the “Annual-versary” post I tweeted of is of course @ http://rhodester.net so hope to see you there ~_^ @no1lefthere thanx Chris *mwah* in reply to no1lefthere #

“I <3 being married. It’s so great to find that 1 special person u want to annoy the rest of ur life.”-Rita Rudner http://bit.ly/9EwjV #quote #

• What @EmperorNorton said to an anti-abortion activist & other tho’ts.. http://cli.gs/UNjWh9 ..tho’ts I tend to agree with-esp wrt conscience #
• from @RhodesTer-My coffeesister’s sitting here quoting Roger Rabbit to someone in chat. (of course, he can only be quoted “when it’s funny”) #
• here’s @RhodesTer‘s latest blog post-A Visit From Father Phil- http://bit.ly/KZNNf -in which I use the word “exactly” exactly too many times #

It’s good to have an end to journey towards but it’s the journey that matters in the end. Ursula LeGuin (our means-not ends-define us) #quote #

• as we start our 20th year of marriage & @RhodesTer wraps up his 50th yr of life, w/so much in jeopardy, the contentment means that much more #
• retwt of @TIME: See pictures of Obama’s trip to Saudi Arabia | http://tr.im/njJh -via @rkref- (I particularly like the 6th photo in the set) #

great #quote via @motivational: “Other people & things can stop you temporarily. You’re the only one who can do it permanently.” -Zig Ziglar #

• retwt of @amyderby: I’m checking myself into Scrabble rehab. Word is, free Thorazine drip will be provided. (“Word is”-double meaning score) #
• via @Pistachio & @kitson-New Hampshire 6th state to legalize gay marriage; http://sn.im/nh0603 @BBC-joining Iowa, Conn, Mass, Maine, Vermont #
• officially blessing @deafmom‘s efforts “to pester @RhodesTer from now until Tuesday so all of Twitterville knows his birthday is coming up.” #
• Get clean water to 100 million people. Ask senators to cosponsor the Water for the World Act, sign the petition.. http://twitclicks.com/ks8j #

via TheONECampaign, wrt the tweet above
• came across the idea that being poor is only a frame of mind & all I can think is that the person being quoted has never experienced poverty #
• a must-see collection of gorgeous & amazing photographs at their own aptly named blog.. “Industrial Decay” http://ff.im/-3BZ0t (THX @Karoli) #


from the “Industrial Decay” blog, as tweeted above

YES @hochmann could NOT agree more ^_^ purity is pointless & unappreciated w/out a little wickedness to spice it up ~_^ (|_|*to balance*|_|) in reply to hochmann #

• retwt of @liveonpurpose: I need my supplements 2 function in my busy life (they ARE crucial tho’ need to be liquid or chewable to work best) #
• THANX for the stumbles on my interview by @AlexFayle, @kimota & @MrJWells as well as the reviews; OMG, @ndpthepoetress – http://bit.ly/1UKr1 #

from @EmperorNorton: [who] stops himself from wondering “what if”. There’s only What is. (which leads to What’s possible, “what if” doesn’t) #

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• 

Twitter asked me to “Share my story” & share I did. Of course, the story they wanted was why I use Twitter. Having recently answered how I use it on two different sites, the basis for my response was already written but I could have answered why with one word. I’d imagine most of the stories submitted will share that underlying reason yet with all the varied approaches found from blog to blog. Even those who seldom add to the ready flow of communication the internet makes possible are taking part in turning their share of monologues into dialogs.

The reason I blog is to communicate with a wide range of people & Twitter is by far the most natural extension of that. With the flexibility to follow only those of my choosing via Google Chat & an ongoing tweet stream awaiting me whenever I decide to take a dip, it fits my life & online habits even as they fluctuate from day to day. I’m always sure to find excellent advice, article/post recommendations, breaking news & — of course — a good balance of entertainment. Thus, my Twitter stream has replaced the “Digg’s Top Stories” feed I’d used for so long.

Through Twitter, I’ve had a blog post listed on ProBlogger, received a compliment from the founder of eBay & been provided an opportunity to communicate with people I’ve been following through other mediums for ages. Given who you choose to follow, it can be a mini-mentoring experience or simply an interesting influx of information (not to mention both ^_^). Like most Web 2.0 innovations, Twitter can be used in whatever way fits each user’s needs & the benefits are only starting to be realized.

|_|) “Communication–the human connection–is the key to personal and career success.” ~ Paul J. Meyer

PS: It doesn’t hurt that both my hunny & my cat are tweeting too. ~_^

While there are those blogging, & therefore being pseudo-social, with no other intention than making money; even they have to communicate something to have a lasting shot at profitability. There are also many entrepreneurs communicating so effectively that money proved the result. The difference between communicating to earn & earning from communicating is vast though. Gary Vaynerchuk puts it best with his encouragement to prioritize legacy over currency. It may seem ironic that I relate to that SO strongly since both appear equally lacking.

Without a clear path to either, goals still have to be made & intentions declared. My goal when it comes to blogging has always been communication which flows from the fact that I seek out opportunities to communicate in everything I do & everywhere I go. The result has been a full spectrum of observations; with all the extreme viewpoints, hard realities & reassuring wonder of the human condition as my guide. This acute awareness of all that we are, all we are capable of — good as well as  bad — & all we can be to each other is ultimately why I blog.

I’ve been expressing myself online hither & thither for nearly 15 years but not til six months ago was I able to start this blog &, not until this one, was I able to maintain one. Determination & circumstance finally somewhat in sync, an ongoing effort became possible which is why it was time to leave free forums behind. Having established that I’m here simply in the hope of creating a dialog & that I’m no expert in anything, merely an observer of everything, leaves the question; “Why am I willing to pay for a presence online amidst continued poverty?”

The potential answers — Is it ego, am I insane or desperate for friends?! — are why my Twitter story prompted me to tell my blog story. Although I impart much of myself in every post, I’ve yet to actually introduce myself. *flashback to 8th-grade cheerleading* “Dorian,” “Yeah,” “Introduce yourself,” “YEAH,” “Introduce Yourself,” “RIGHT ON, my name is DORIAN!” (flashback dedicated to Tony Northrip whose merciless teasing is why I still remember the degrading chant) As this is an introduction, before you draw any conclusions, allow me to point out cheerleading was the only way to be excused from P.E.

Biographically speaking, in six months I turn 40 & I’m proud of my upcoming milestone. Ever young at heart, I can thoroughly enjoy an age with which my life experience is not so incongruous. My life journey thus far has been one of heath problems, money issues & the mandatory family dysfunction. It has, however, been punctuated by irrefutable hope, miraculous comebacks & unconditional love. I met Rhodester 19 years ago & a relationship of some longevity is training ground enough but I’d already run a bit of a gamut before meeting him. He caught up with me during our first few years of marriage.

I had father issues & had been raped [more than once], fortunately unrelated, was an alcoholic with other addictions as well, very related, a runaway that couldn’t stay away, for love of my mum, & a Unitarian who’d come to believe the Trinity while still questioning Religion. “May you live in interesting times” proved both my curse & my wish; I felt trapped in small-town, middle-class mediocrity & found my escape to be ‘thinking interesting thoughts’ instead. My vices have finally mellowed, even I seem to have along the way, yet not only am I still addicted to interesting thoughts but thinking them isn’t enough; they must be shared.

That’s where you come in. I want to listen & consider, as much as offer contemplation. It’s with the understanding that we have an inevitable impact in every moment of every day that I want even the simplest ones to count. From the difference we can make with a smile to the apathy we contribute to with inaction, our ripples are being felt. In seeking to create good ripples, it just makes sense that it’s equally good — if not better — to impact other ripples along the way. Thus, I seem to inexplicably be offering advice & you don’t really know me; why should you care what I have to say & who do I think I am anyway??

That’s just it, I don’t think I’m any different from any of you. I believe that what affects one of us effects us all, whether we’re aware of it or not, & that we all share shortcomings alongside infinite potential. I hated that word growing up as much because I’d heard it too many times as it coming off oxymoronic. It’s typically used in reference to someone else’s expectation, at worst, or a specific goal, at marginal best, but would be far more encouraging were it to be left appropriately open-ended. Never should we limit ourselves, nor should we forget the potential of unending possibilities & unexpected blessings we all offer each other.

LOL cat found via a tweet from Pete Cashmore of Mashable

While I feel I should promptly start pooping rainbows on that note, life experience & my personal dictate to doubt everything have always kept me a realist so my capacity for optimism is merely a balancing force. Part of my innate balance is an avid interest in almost everything which in no way qualifies me to have opinions about all of it but I do anyway. The next balancing force at work is that there’s little I haven’t come across thus I know there are no right or wrong answers. There is only truth & our individual experiences. So, I’m offering up my own varied thoughts in a way that hopefully makes sense & perhaps even helps, with the single goal of prompting more thought. Therefore, pour yourself another hot beverage & add to the brew..

(|_|*cheers*|_|)
“You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him
to find it in himself.”
~ Galileo Galilei ~

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• 

Although not a subject I talk about as much as I could or perhaps even should, my health informs everything I do — or don’t — & all that I am. Of course, everyone’s health impacts them. An extreme physical malady has its obvious effects but is part of a spectrum that encompasses far more than can actually be seen. Good health, in turn, affects its lucky recipients for they have energies & abilities they can’t help but utilize. There are those who don’t take advantage of their potential healthfulness which is admittedly hard to see but even more common is the utter lack of recognition. When one’s health is good, it’s far too easy to take for granted. No-one’s to blame though for there’s little reason to ponder something that’s working properly.

The reason I’m so philosophical about mine is that it’s neither very visible or well-defined. While I readily own the struggles with my health, the real struggle is not being owned by it. “By what exactly?” you may fairly ask. Ahh, but that would be too easy. A name would require a diagnosis process which would require medical care which would require insurance which would ultimately require a far different life than we’ve chosen. My refusal to be defined has proven as far-reaching as most decisions are. The resulting poverty wasn’t by choice, as we’re repeatedly accused, but the choices that might’ve kept us from it didn’t lead to lives we were willing to live. An awareness of the risk accompanied every decision but you’re never knowingly opting to struggle yet more.

My life is a study in which came first; the chicken or the egg &, the thing is, the egg IS the chicken. Does that create a vicious cycle? Hell yes! My health, or lack thereof, limits my options & my remaining options limit my health. It’s at this impasse in such discourse that many a well-intentioned ‘friend’ has pointed out RhodesTer should have picked up the slack. If only I were as self-sufficient as I oft try to be & didn’t need a care-giver; I could also more easily work. Whatever anyone else’s take is & despite my own reticence, I’m a full-time job. Far harder than dealing with my own limitations has been enduring the slings & arrows directed at my care-giving hunny from previously trusted sources. Ever practitioners of considering the source, we’re running out of people to trust.

As living proof that there’s more to every story than meets the eye, I’ve always known there’s more going on than ever immediately evident. I did not always realize what an extension of that reality I personally was. Only now, four decades in, am I beginning to recognize the extent to which we carry in us an imprint of all we may yet become. Just as any scientific theory is questioned because of what has yet to be discovered, even Asthma — much less autoimmune — wasn’t yet understood when I was growing up. What was then ascribed to “growing pains” & stress has proven to be, in my case anyway, chronic pain & migraines. Possibly the Roseola as a child & particularly what was presumed to be Mono during my attempt at college are part of a greater, ongoing issue.

Mubyou-Sokusai

“mu”=none “byou”=illness, disease
“soku”=breath, health “sai”=disaster, bad luck

“Mubyou” means what the kanji mean, to have no illness, & “Sokusai” means to be in exceptionally good health. Bringing these two words together, the idiom means not only to have no illness but to be in a healthy condition.

I’m not claiming to be blameless in the degeneration of my health. Opting to self-medicate throughout junior high & high school rather than consider that the pain prompting it might be indicative of an underlying problem most certainly didn’t help. That independent streak of mine precluded me from being willing to worry anyone even as I slowly but surely concluded such discomfort was not normal. I sobered up, rediscovering all my ills & aches, just in time to lose medical insurance upon turning 18. From the three jobs simultaneously held shortly thereafter to the three years spent at my last job, insurance has been either elusive or impractical. Those of you who can afford neither premiums nor deductibles also know spousal coverage, if offered, is prohibitively costly.

Life is a series of measured risks & we ideally risk only that which we’re willing to lose. The question of what’s being risked at each turn is precisely why so many follow expected paths & seldom seek change. On the one hand, my hunny & I are prime examples of how much can too easily be lost. Yet, we live without regret & have never lost ourselves. Truthfully, every day is a struggle to survive, on all fronts, but hope for a better future renews each time we do. Starting over as many times as we have, we’re seeking sustainable choices this time. Past paths may have provided for immediate needs but what we truly need is a slow, steady build toward real change. We can’t be discouraged by setbacks & must be careful not to compromise what we’ve already accomplished.

My health is a continual journey with small victories along the way & stepping stones made of every discovery. Amidst its ebb & flow, our lives have had to be sorted, for better or worse. Even now, as my body produces ever diminishing returns after so many years, those who’ve followed the fight remain surprised somehow. “Wasn’t the desert supposed to help!?” The reality check is how much worse I’d be if not here. All the assumptions are of being either well or simply not. No different than everything else in life, the shades of gray in between are innumerable. Strides that had finally been made toward the well side have unfortunately been undone but knowing there are some effective weapons is more than half the battle. Once I can use them in combination, I’ll really be fighting!

(|_|*cheers*|_|)
“The power of love to change bodies is legendary, built into folklore, common sense, and everyday experience. Love moves the flesh, it pushes matter around…. Throughout history, “tender loving care” has uniformly been recognized as a valuable element in healing.”
~ Larry Dossey ~

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• 

The body’s misleading. It looks like us, is recognized as us & certainly embodies us. Yet, we’re short-changing ourselves if we overanalyze what we see in the mirror. While we need to make peace with that reflection, no matter how good or bad we perceive it to be, we also need to look beyond it. Not only are we immensely affected by how we see ourselves, it affects how others see us.

As obvious as that statement seems, it’s literally up to us how we’re perceived; even physically. The age-old idea that we’re told of someone’s “good personality” as compensation for any lack in their appearance has a more valid application in that personality can present first. Point in case, I don’t technically have a beautiful smile (thanx to quite the overbite ) but, due to its sheer enthusiasm, it always leaves a positive impression.

Ensuring that our inner beings reach beyond our physicality is two-fold in its necessity. It’s both key to being seen for who we truly are & the means of not letting the physical dictate that truth. Neither the shape of one’s body nor the workings of it should be afforded undue consideration. Just as we must make peace with the totality of its immediate representation of us, we also need to challenge the parts that make up that whole.

By far the most important thing to realize is that our whole is made of far more than our physical realities. From illness to gender, no piece of the puzzle is in itself us or has meaning of its own. A single factoid cannot be afforded singular importance. The fact that I’m physiologically broken shouldn’t break me psychologically & doesn’t make me any more broken than the rest of you. We’re all broken & simply striving to make sense of the pieces.

The idea that we were made in God’s image may seem downright laughable & is certainly often confusing, regardless of one’s take on it. Here’s the thing; it’s not our physical form that emulates Him nor solely our soul.. He/She/the entity scarcely encompassed by but aptly named God is a trinity. So are we: body, mind & soul. Furthermore, the reason we keep striving for democracy is that we are one; our majority rules.

If we unduly focus on one or even two of these three things that together create us, we find ourselves out of balance & essentially unhappy. There is a vote constantly being taken &, due to the brokenness we all share in one form or another, our bodies typically have the odd vote out. It’s up to us to give our minds & souls votes that can be heard; ideally, in a unanimous voice. My body struggles to function so it can’t help but vote me ill yet I don’t have to be defined by that.

It is, however, what will be seen until or unless the other facets of me take the helm. I know, I know; puzzles, caucuses & now ships. Of course, we already know that we are vessels but it’s really just our bodies that are. Thus, if our bodies aren’t indicative of the whole story, we need to bring the truth forward. You should no more believe the lies born of focusing on physical traits as flaws (it’s all comparative, thus relative & subjective, anyhow) than you should settle for the story your body’s telling.

Whether change is needed environmentally or physically, can be aided by breathing or hormones, is one of perception or projection; find the incongruity & – outwardly, inwardly or both – be exactly who you are. Don’t worry about who others think you are or perhaps expect you to be as that’s merely a perception of them & ultimately they’re going to follow your cues. When we’re whole, literally at one with ourselves, it’s our minds & souls that lead the charge.

Using myself as my own best example again; neither my body nor mind work as they should or could. Yet, for all their failings, my soul soars. I’m not sure my body should work well per se though I’m still aiming for basic functionality. Along the same lines, my mind’s limitations are due to damage to my brain rather than my intellect. Just as with our senses, what’s weakened gives way to the strengthening of an equal &/or opposite force.

All that we are is all that we’re seemingly not. Our whole is not only greater than its parts but is part & parcel of what’s unseen. That whom we are meant to be is found beyond the visible & manifests visibly when we are whole.

|_|) “You don’t have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body.” ~ C. S. Lewis

PS: This is lovingly dedicated to my brother as it’s his birthday & he’s an exemplar of evolving wholeness; HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JORDAN!!!

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• 

The leader of the band has died & my eyes are crying still, but his words run through my varied thoughts & his song is in my soul.. My life has been much better for the music of this man; he was a living legacy & still leader of the band.

The leader of the band is tired
And his eyes are growing old
But his blood runs through my instrument
And his song is in my soul –
My life has been a poor attempt
To imitate the man
I’m just a living legacy
To the leader of the band.
~ Leader of the Band ~

Although the song my heartfelt words are based on is about his father, Dan Fogelberg picked up where his father left off & absolutely was the living legacy any musician could hope for. Moreover, he was a poet; honest & direct, offering words that reflected what we’ve all been through. By keeping his songs alive in our hearts & minds, we will in turn take the next watch. To further continue his legacy, may no-one else die of Prostate Cancer.

It’s the chance of a lifetime
In a lifetime of chance
And it’s high time you joined
In the dance
~ Run for the Roses ~

He had reminded us that life’s fleeting & urged us to make the most of the time we have. He led that charge by example, giving his words added meaning. My Granddad, who just miraculously & ever so thankfully turned 88 a couple months ago, is a survivor of Prostate Cancer. To add insult to the injury of losing Dan to something essentially treatable, he was merely the same age as my mom!?

Love when you can
Cry when you have to
Be who you must
That’s a part of the plan
~ Part of the Plan ~

He became a part of my own being right in the middle of my high school years, of all times. As a punk, alcoholic, habitual runaway; there was little connecting me to the parental unit. Coffee was just about the only common ground left with Momma & I’d certainly never had much in common with her husband. The only thing we all agreed on was some of their music, which is to say Dan Fogelberg.

What we really want
You know we rarely say
Such is the language of love.
~ The Language of Love ~

They each offered me worthwhile vinyl — No age cracks lest you sound like a broken record. — to peruse. I had always shared John Denver & a plethora of 60′s options with Momma while I agreed with David (That’s his name, not to be confused with my Dave.) on the likes of Blood, Sweat & Tears. The Eagles were equally enjoyed by all three of us but nothing compared to Dan on this front for we were all actually moved by him.

Our words don’t ever seem to
Say enough
But a simple smile
A tender touch
Speaks the true language of love.
~ The Language of Love ~

Music is recognized as the universal language. Given the separate universes family members take refuge in, music can become both the only language left & the bridge to any other. It wasn’t a generation gap needing bridging but one of resentment thus only Dan’s truly human sentiments could do so. In the midst of his lyrics, each of us singing despite ourselves, we were one. Truth be told, even though Momma & I emerged stronger, Dan Fogelberg may well be the only thing David & I really agree on; especially his song to my mom:

Longer than there’ve been fishes in the ocean
Higher than any bird ever flew
Longer than there’ve been stars up in the heavens
I’ve been in love with you.
~ Longer ~

Dan’s departure from this world does feel like a personal loss yet there’s so much he’ll continue to give me; it hardly seems fair. What I can’t imagine, by the grace of God, is what his family is going through. They’re being notified of the donations made in his memory to fight the cancer that took him & there’s a site to share our condolences. Surely the ongoing feedback prolongs the hurt even while easing the pain. That which offers meaning though is never black or white; nothing ultimately is & he understood that.

Oh, If I had you beside me
Then I just might sleep through the night
Your love is the promise that guides me
All of the days of my life.
~ Missing You ~

I’m out of words for now but not out of tears. Yet, like so many times before, he speaks for me.

(|_|*cheers*|_|)
I have cried too long
No more sorrow
Got to carry on.
~ Phoenix ~

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• 

I have a deep-seated ambivalence toward home. Those who’ve peopled my homes have for the most part been a bit of heaven on Earth which is what I think home essentially is when achieved. Yet, home is also something I strove to survive. My grandparents provided my first home & they continue to be the closest thing to the ideal of home I’ve ever known.

“I have been very happy with my homes, but homes really are no more than the people who live in them.”
~ Nancy Reagan ~

The best thing I can say about my so-called hometown is that it helped create my desire to travel. I will admit, though, that being from a small town kept the limits I was determined to push within the realm of survivability. Being a California girl is a state (HA) of which I’m both proud & thankful as, despite the Central Valley‘s failings, it is right between the ocean & mountains.

“Home is where you hang your head.”
~ Groucho Marx ~

Having felt more at home away from many of the houses that served the purpose, it’s not surprising I’ve made a practice of creating home wherever I go. Perhaps growing up in a specific house that serves as home creates more likelihood to equate house & home. What’s particularly sad is when the two get confused; a container’s true value comes from what it holds. House-keeping is not the same as home-making.

“Every day is a journey, and the journey itself is home.”
~ Matsuo Basho ~

There was a family home that not only proved my escape & salvation but which provided the type of tangible memories I’ve always imagined typical of childhood. Recently discovering it will be sold was difficult in both fact & timing, given the odyssey of homelessness I’ve been on for a year. The loss of what was essentially my childhood home may enhance my appreciation for having a home but does nothing to increase my interest in what form it takes.

“Home is not where you live, but where they understand you.”
~ Christian Morgenstern ~

What has been missing for the past year is a safe haven. No longer having the Camp Nelson home pictured above certainly increases that lack since it was the first haven I knew; it taught me a place can be as nurturing as its people. Sadly, I hadn’t been there for two years & no longer being able to spend time in my home away from home made having my own haven yet more important while it remained nearly impossible.

“Oh! be he king or subject, he’s most blest,
who in his home finds happiness and peace.”
~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, “Iphigenia in Tauris” ~

Not only is it the people that make a house a home but houses & homes alike are extensions of their people. A house that requires more energy than it fosters can never be a nurturing home. The energy of a home is reciprocal. My own limited energy is only in balance with a smaller space to maintain but it also needs to be a space I can make my own. The studio apartment that just became RhodesTer‘s & mine through a dark comedy of errors is likely the best fit I’ve ever had.

“I long, as does every human being,
to be at home wherever I find myself.”
~ Maya Angelou ~

Just like with so much else, it truly is the quality of a space not the quantity of space that counts. There are many who believe quantity lends quality & it may justifiably go together for some. Yet, it’s people of the UTMOST quality that seem to have — or is it need? — the least quantity. Jim & René have a space akin to our new one only theirs is mobile. Lisa, her man & her cat are on a similar odyssey to the one we’ve hopefully now ended. Julie & her family are facing the very situation that led to our year-long homelessness.

“One may have a blazing hearth in one’s soul and yet no one ever come to sit by it. Passersby see only a wisp of smoke from the chimney and continue on the way.”
~ Vincent van Gogh ~

Don’t get me wrong; I appreciate a beautiful house. Old homes seem practically alive to me & architecture is a passion since I love artistry in all its forms. The history of that Camp Nelson home lent to its significance, various homes growing up provided irreplaceable spaces within them & the one house ever owned was exactly what I needed at the time. Of course, having a house convinced my hunny & I that we never wanted one again yet we did both enjoy & need that one while we had it. Everyone’s life, in its various seasons, will have & be able to support different ideals. I will forever be grateful I had an opportunity to design a home:

“Home is a name, a word, it is a strong one; stronger than magician ever spoke, or spirit ever answered to, in the strongest conjuration.”
~ Charles Dickens ~

One of my earliest homes was in a stairwell; the adjoining bedroom was almost beside the point. There was the corner which held the kitchen table in Camp Nelson, lost to a remodel three decades ago, that I would’ve gladly camped out in indefinitely & practically did. There’ve even been wee spaces in odd places; a picnic table outside the math building in highschool, a bench not too far from the coffee in the college quad, a creek bed in Camp Nelson, a meadow in the foothills, inside the circle made by the branches of a Weeping Willow & a funky studio in Palm Springs.

(|_|*cheers*|_|)
Home is where you feel at home..

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• 

“The time has come,” the Walrus said.. but let’s leave shoes, ships & such aside for now. For us, it’s time to make the impending move. We do feel a bit like oysters to our friend-turned-landlord’s walrus, especially as he’ll be visiting this strip of sand shortly. Finding our own wee shell is quite the challenge due to failed credit born of wanderlust & other anti-societal choices.

It’s interesting how struggling financially causes some people to assume laziness when in fact we’ve oft had to work harder than the average Joe or Jane. Some of the hardest workers I’ve known are also the poorest. Those of you who’ve made a decision for personal reasons despite the financial ramifications will understand. Our walrus informed me that being poor is a choice; we wouldn’t be poor, edible oysters if only we’d not settled for edibility.

To be fair, since I appreciate both honesty & opinions from all, I considered his claim. Lo & behold, there was a choice that set me on this path. At the age of 18, I abandoned my plan to nanny in New York as a way out of my multi-repressed hometown. I instead made the unthinkable choice to stay in a town I’d already run away from multiple times in order to work with Youth for Christ.

Not only was I offering peer counseling & doing public speaking for free, I ended up with three jobs to support the habit. I had all those jobs when I met RhodesTer & would not have met him if I hadn’t made that choice to be poor three years earlier. Worse yet, as we came to realize we couldn’t imagine life without each other, I lured him down my potentially penniless path by admitting I would rather be poor & happy in lieu of a less than happy alternative.

Here’s the thing: I’d make choice after choice again.. So, while walruses may see me as fodder unless I’m building sandcastles, it’s just a cozy shell I’m after. This friend of ours may have failed miserably to see — much less accept — us for who we are yet was actually well-intentioned. Thus, he’s admittedly not so much the Walrus perhaps as the Carpenter which may explain why he believes no-one could actually want to simplify their lives.

Being in Real Estate, that’s an understandable if limited view. I’d explained to him via e-mail, “We’ve purposely stripped away anything that won’t support a life that is equally sustainable and enjoyable.” He replied, “The only reason you’ve purposely stripped away anything is because you’ve had too not because you’ve wanted too.” However, home-making is a lifestyle & it’s simply not one I’m interested in; maintaining a house is not how I want to expend my energy.

“Purchasing a home is not the act of a pessimist,” said Frank Nothaft, chief economist at Freddie Mac. “But it is the act of a dweeb. Sure, renting costs more over time than owning, but do you want to spend your weekends cleaning out leaf gutters and fixing the garage-door opener, or do you want to be happy? Life is way too short, people. Loosen up.”

Okay, okay, my source is The Onion but the key to satire is its underlying truth. My mum (she’s one of my best friends as well) pointed out that, while I create a home wherever I am, house-keeping is definitely not for me. A person’s belongings & surroundings are an extension of self. This, of course, is why so many literally try to build themselves up materially. Yet, each & every thing we own or keep near us is also an expenditure of energy.

If you’re the type of carpenter that’s more concerned with the lemonade stand than the lemonade, our legitimate desire for simplified living will likely never make sense to you. The most misunderstood aspect of such a choice is that desiring simplicity is not an intention to stay poor. It is instead a determination to spend our money on experiences & those in need rather than our lifestyle.

Our carpenter friend cites “a friend that never made much money. Maybe she’d make $10,000 – $12,000 a year and that was a good year.  She always lived in a small studio apartment with very little and drove a very used car. I’ve been working with her and helping her over the years to do more then she has allowed herself. She use to say the same thing, “I just like to live simple…I don’t need much…blah, blah, blah.” Just last week she told me that although she was serious and believed her statement back then, she really likes the life she now has and she is so thankful for the change. She now owns two rental properties, gets paychecks of $9,000 (as she said, about what she use to get in a year), drives a Mercedes (not that everyone has too or wants too but it’s nice if you do and can), has the freedom to pursue her true passions of acting and ministry, etc., etc., etc. One other thing she said is that she now thinks it was incredibly selfish to think the way she did. By being able to make money she can do more for those around her. By only living for herself on a very small budget is selfish because that doesn’t allow you to do much for those around. I think she has a point. Last week she just called me to say thank you for the change in her life.”

While we are very happy for her & glad his tutelage proved something she wanted, hers is no more a style of life that appeals to us than her carpenter’s is. Both acting & ministry have been significant aspects of our lives as well but RhodesTer is working toward writing multiple roles rather than play one at a time while I continue to share myself with anyone who needs an ear, shoulder or piece of my ever-present silver jewelry. Most recently, I was able to impart myself to my cousin’s teenage daughter with a ring I regularly wore. Most of what I own has been with the understanding that it’s just until I meet its next owner.

Ultimately, we want nothing more than to make the most of whatever lemons come our way & will continue to work hard at juicing (no milking — milk is meant for foam — besides, lemons = juice) every opportunity that arises. Not once have we opted for an easy way out, much less ever doing less, but find that it’s not work per se when it supports what you love & nothing extraneous. We may be small fish, or oysters, in a large pond but are working hard to sort a shell we can call home. As of our once-friend’s impending visit, come hell or high water, we’ll be moving into something & are simply striving at this point to not waste our meager funds on a motel.

(|_|*cheers*|_|)
“To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.”
~ Elbert Hubbard ~

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Where DOES the time go? I know that MYgraines, landlord lunacy & a certain birthday accounts for much of this past week. As a firm believer that all things happen for a reason, I’m not prone to stress. That being said, the sheer tenacity it can take to get through the day-to-day takes its toll. Therefore, nearly a week going by without a post may make perfect sense in the current scheme of things but none-the-less baffles me. Surely there was a moment in there somewhere in which I could’ve nurtured my hopefully burgeoning audience?!

Limbo is nothing new to me but its steadily growing presence just now is beyond distracting. Imagine a storm cloud becoming ever larger & darker til it blots out the sun. No real worries given the knowledge it’ll pass yet there are certain things that cannot readily be done during its reign. The current quandary & conflux of events has my brain somewhat on hold in turn. Don’t let this comparison imply anything other than an absolute love of storms for I’m not typically that literal & now is no exception. Instead, it’s the approaching eviction date that gives the current storm mass & the lack of anywhere to go that darkens it.

All lines of logic have run askew of late. If this then we’re homeless. If that then we’re running out of time. No longer does A lead to B much less then lead to C & forget poor D as suddenly all roads lead to E[EK]. If the other, how will I make money? Having been stuck in self-perpetuating cycles, I see now that they were just that; nothing compared to the vicious cycle my husband & I now face. Work outside the home isn’t an option til living in reach of workplaces but finding lodgings without the additional income is a herculean challenge. Working from home is what will give way to the future we envision yet takes quite some time to show a return.

Between brain farts & freezes, I try to imagine what our next move is. Literally. It’s an odd bunch of ridiculously basic questions with which to start one’s 40th year. C’est la vie! Our dissenters of late have let us know that we complain &/or fail too much for their liking. That alone could/should send me on a rant of how expectations born of one’s own life & experiences canNOT be applied to ANYone else. No-one should be living by anything other than their own specifications for happiness. At present, our circumstances are just dire enough that even a mere mention could come off as complaint & simply being in such a circumstance can be construed as failure.

If there’s one High School English lesson that needs to be carried with everyone throughout life; it’s context, context, context. Due to our desire to achieve an atypical brand of success, rebuilding repeatedly has been part & parcel of the process. Each time we start again from scratch, we’re glad to be reinventing our potential & recognize that whatever has gone before was not meant to be. There are those (aka the Bourgeoisie) who’ll see such reasoning as justification. So be it. We cannot control how we are perceived. Besides, I’d much rather focus my energy on what I hope to achieve.

With trepidation that these next two weeks will pass at Warp Speed & foreboding as to where that wormhole will lead, we can do naught but stumble forth. As much as I’d love to march toward a brighter future, the light’s just not on at the end of the tunnel yet.

(|_|*cheers*|_|)
“What’s money? A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night and in between does what he wants to do.”
~ Bob Dylan ~

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Sleep & I have a love-hate relationship. Setting aside your utter lack of surprise that a coffee addict is an insomniac, my mom has attested to insomnia being a lifelong companion of mine. Fortunately, as a late-night reader herself, she understood that reading was actually more restful than attempting to sleep. How do people do it? Lying there in the dark silence, with nary a thing to distract one’s brain from the chaos such an opportunity unleashes. There’s nothing so pointless as trying to sleep. Those who can fall asleep simply because they’re comfortable, there’s a modicum of peacefulness and it’s time must have more cooperative brains.

There’s little I haven’t tried in order to give my poor, weary body its due & induce my brain to step down overnight. As for the infamous sheep-counting, I did get tired.. of counting. What were the old wives with their tales thinking? Who in their right mind would suggest a creative exercise for a brain that won’t quiet; don’t give it something to latch onto. I even learned to write in the dark as a child, imagining that writing thoughts down might successfully save them for later. Instead, I wrote many a barely decipherable poem. Once I could simply sneak out most nights, sleep & I parted ways.

Now then, health & I were never on good terms either. I’d been on the outs with sleep for a good decade by the time it joined forces with health & they’d clearly had enough of my willfulness. Together, they kept me bedridden & it was a brilliant ploy for I was forced to seek them out. Raising the white flag after numerous negotiations, I endured a bizarre experience as health slowly but surely made itself at home. My thought processes would slow, motor control became iffy & I felt downright woozy; turns out I was tired! Much like my renegotiations with alcohol the first time it had any effect beyond pain relief, I found myself rethinking my pursuit of sleep — oft having no choice.

This truce had lead to a healthy (literally) appreciation for sleep, understanding that it & health are a package deal. Of course, the ability to feel sleepy is still a far cry from sleeping. It has held true that trying to sleep inevitably keeps me from it so I’ve long since opted for quality over quantity. After all, why should it be any different from other areas of my life? Therefore, I always have a good book and/or DVR recording standing by for the relaxation they afford keeps sleepiness & I on speaking terms. Our talks are not always effective, however, & we’re scarcely speaking anymore. I won’t deny my stubborn brain has its part to play in this falling out.

With my Grandma in hospital, our eviction imminent & the last month spent house-bound, my mind’s repeatedly racing to a deadlock. I’ve reached the point where physical exhaustion can no longer trick my mind into shutting down. Each day has been getting progressively longer; sleep not coming til later & later each morning, resulting in fewer & fewer hours of it. I cannot forgo both quantity & quality indefinitely unless I want to end up on the outs with health as well. Being but a pawn amidst my physiological goings-on, there’s no telling from where the next conspiracy will arise! My metabolism has become far less cooperative over the years..

(|_|*cheers*|_|)
“Life is something that happens when you can’t get to sleep.”
~ Fran Lebowitz ~

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