As a spoonie & collector of quotations, I’ve found so many that inspire me; from the directly health-related like Buddha’s “The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly,” to my oft-quoted “If you’re going through hell, keep going,” from Winston Churchill. We spoonies often deal with some pretty Hellish circumstances so we’ve learned (or are still learning ) that, for us, fighting back tends to make things worse. Anyone in their own Hell must make a choice; run away or stay, push forward or go backward, change latitude or attitude, continue alone or return home, change direction or avoid detection, whatever it takes just to get out or doesn’t take to give in. When your options are further limited by health, the way out — the only way to go for me — is through; “keep going.”

WEGO Health prompted my consideration of the quotational that’s inspirational as part of their Health Activist Writer’s Month Challenge (#HAWMC). With a writing prompt for each day of April, WEGO’s first challenge was imagining a Health Time Capsule & this next one suggests sharing a quote that inspires me (either positively or negatively) by free-writing about it. I hadn’t really used this writing exercise since being online, despite encouraging other writers in my life to free write, so was pleasantly surprised to end up with over 400 words in just 15 minutes. Here they are — with typos corrected, punctuation & links added along with some words that seemed needed for clarity [which are in square brackets like these |_|)]:

How can one be inspired negatively? It’s obviously being pushed in the other direction [a negative one, since inspiration is typically considered positive |_|)] but isn’t that “discouraged?” When a phrase is discouraging, the only real inspiration happening [personally |_|)] is that I’m inspired to call a quotation’s bluff. How can an inanimate piece of info be bluffing? It’s about the intent & — just like swearing — it’s how something’s said, why & when it’s said as well as how the person quoting (or misquoting ) means it. Since there are so many factors, it’s surprising that so many words thus phrases & eventually oft-cited quotations (as they become more & more common) end up having a crowd-sourced meaning, & said meaning depends on the crowd one spends time with. Many religious people [for example |_|)] see individual swear words as negative while the generation [usually considered ‘Generation Y’ |_|)] just now getting out into the world & standing on their own with all that entails, including far fewer restrictions, use swear words as adjectives. Since a word that evokes a reaction simply by being said immediately adds meaning to any discourse, how can those of us willing to cuss not use them? Here we are, back at meaning again tho’; for example, saying “fuck” vs “fuck off” [with only the latter having a negative connotation regardless of one's take on swearing |_|)] then there’s “no pain, no gain” for a spoonie [as living with chronic pain changes an otherwise encouraging concept |_|)] which leads to well-known favorites like “c’est la vie.” One such phrase I’ve taken to quoting, expressing that something’s already done or can’t be changed, maybe even referencing a difference of opinion — What is this versatile quotation? — It is what it is. Now, before this turns into a “Who’s on first” routine, it really “is what it is.” No, wait, it’s actually “it is what it is” & I came across an article sometime ago that listed [it as one of |_|)] “7 Popular Negative Phrases.” First of all, context people, context. That’s as important to words as ‘location, location, location’ is to real estate. However, parsing the phrase’s most basic meaning shows that it’s saying exactly what anyone should take from it: that something exists & therefore is; or that the state of something has changed (or been made clear) so is now known, thus acknowledged as being. There are also the times when an opinion is expressed &, whatever the reaction or sentiment aside from that opinion, it too “is what it is” & may or may not change but, regardless of the future direction or hope for change, it just is what it currently is — [at least |_|)] for the time-being.

When I read the article declaring those seven popular phrases negative, this was my reaction:

As valid as most of this list is, it not only criticizes “Que Sera, Sera” which always cheers me up but the put-down of the 1st phrase was clearly written by someone without any experience with chronic illness or other disability (I hope they appreciate their luck. ~_^). “It is what it is” is not a reaction but an acceptance &, when you live with issues that cannot be readily changed, acceptance is actually the key to staying positive!

/rant from one #spoonie who admittedly says both a lot ~_~

A fellow spoonie added, “i pretty much agree with the list except for ‘I can’t.’ if ur BODY can’t, then U can’t. #spoonies know this.”

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I’ve been blogging off & on for years, have more recently opened up about my health (or lack thereof ~_^) & feel incomplete when my world isn’t as digital as it is physical yet I stopped updating this blog nearly three years ago. There were a number of practical reasons from repeated moving thus intermittent internet to a steady decrease in that so-called health of mine, yet losing my Grandma three years ago seems to be the real culprit. She taught me, amidst many other marvelous wonders & wisdom like “the dread is worse than the doing,” that people have more than one soulmate; we were each lucky enough to have married ours while also having another in each other — our husbands’ souls being complementary whereas our own mirrored the other’s. I’ll always miss her but, as Dan Fogelberg might say, “I am her living legacy.”

Speaking of legacies, I’ve been challenged by WEGO Health to consider what my own might be. April is Health Activist Writer’s Month at WEGO — a month dedicated to the art of writing… about health — & they’re hosting a Health Activist Writer’s Month Challenge (#HAWMC) with a writing prompt for each day of the month. If not only I but my health were memorialized, there would be purple & prose & poetry & perspectives that would seem more than just passe but downright preposterous. “What wit,” they would say, “what wisdom — no doubt thanx to these loved ones she’s commemorated — but wait; what’s this? Why would anyone have to go without healthcare?! How did she stay so positive despite so very much pain??”

As those who open my Health Time Capsule in 100 years get caught up in a collection of my favorite things, from a coffee press to the moonstones from my favorite beach, they find themselves longing for such simple pleasures as a picture forms of someone who makes the most of each moment. Then, reading thru my blogs & books, they discover that the simplicity of my life was a joy but not a choice. The more keepsakes, writings & pictures those future kindred spirits peruse; the more they understand the choice I did make, to enjoy. Each new item expressing my limitations either includes or is closely followed by an expression of appreciation for what couldn’t be limited. In the end, it will be my trusty sidekick, Chester C. Cane, that exemplifies my seemingly contradictory existence for the very need of a cane not only pronounces me disabled but announces my disability for all to see — making my illness less invisible. There again, a potential negative proves to be positive. Just as a cane has its own limitations but helps me better cope with mine, my legacy may be shaped by all I can’t do but will be filled with all the more appreciation for what I can.

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HELLO!? Thanx ever so for visiting!

Our server, InMotion Hosting, has taken an exceptionally long coffee break, leaving your coffee press with unlimited refills on a back burner. Tho’ we can’t help but appreciate the irony, the Coffee for the Soul café is hiring better wait staff & your new server will be standing by with your personal press, taking coffee & tea breaks right here too thus solving any future server problems.

[oh the punny irony |_|)]

InMotion doesn’t get to bully us by keeping our sites, thus content, offline. Content creators are taking publishing back…

(|_|*hear, hear; read, read*|_|)

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I’ll keep pouring instant coffee tho’, starting with these Fun Facts via Google+!

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PS: Please click “About” to learn more. Triple ta (two ‘ta’s to say b’bye & one more to say thanx).

PPS: While my quotationary-inspired posts have been on hold, I still pin, plus, tumbl or tweet quotationaries & encouragement fairly often. ^_^

PPPS: This is a sticky post so it’s always on the homepage, just look below for newer posts.

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With Invisible Illness Week wrapping up, I was determined to blog again (as promised) & what better way than to do the meme created for the event. These 30 queries have been 3 days in the answering but I hung in there because awareness of illnesses & issues that are so often not recognized, much less understood, is crucial to the well[ish]-being of those living with them. For a better understanding of what I’m living with & the journey therein, be sure to read my first IIW post: What’s getting in YOUR way?

1. The illness I live with is: still undiagnosed

I had a doctor once & she charged on a sliding scale. Ruling out what she could, she admitted I need more extensive testing which, of course, we couldn’t afford. Instead, she taught me about Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (also known as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) & Fibromyalgia — convinced I had at least one, if not both — & helped me learn more about supplements.

My=muscle / algic=pain
Encephalo=brain / myel=spinal cord / itis=inflammation

2. I was will be diagnosed with it in the year: I become insured

Knowing a diagnosis would leave me essentially uninsurable, my one doctor & I didn’t pursue our well-founded suspicions. Further knowing a diagnosis alone wouldn’t help if it couldn’t be followed up with care — welcome to a healthcare system that’s been broken a long time — we just sought to alleviate symptoms, never imagining I’d still be doing so 15 years later.

3. But I’ve had symptoms since: childhood

I didn’t start putting the pieces together til my mid-20s but, by then, my Chronic Daily Headache was nearly a decade old. A key revelation came as I researched migraines; the overwhelming head pain that comes above & beyond my always present headache. They often present abdominally in children & I’d been treated for “stress” stomachaches in my youth.

4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: brain damage

My struggle to function is a chicken or the egg quandary. The dysfunction stems from my brain misfiring & misunderstanding its own information as my body uses up any energy it manages to generate trying to function, leaving my brain vulnerable. Our minds & bodies are designed to restore themselves regularly but mine can’t thus they degenerate.

5. Most people assume: I’m exaggerating

How could a headache last well over two decades? You couldn’t possibly have it every day! How could you not remember your childhood?! Surely you mean you just don’t remember it well!? Given that I too would love to better understand how such things are possible, if anything, I understate. Declarations without explanations are frustrating from both sides.

6. The hardest part about mornings is: trying to move

It’s admittedly better now that we have some semblance of a bed. After sleeping on the floor for years, our sofa-bed is an utter God-send. Having someplace to sit during the day also rocks but getting to that point can be tricky. Not only is my sleep not as restorative as it should be, it actually creates extra pain since I can’t maintain the needed support for my parts.

“Taking time to rest improves the rest of our time.”
~ Dorian Rhodes ~

7. My favorite medical TV show is: House

While I love sarcasm & brilliance run amok, Greg House’s determination is especially appealing. He’s dealing with chronic pain, fighting to differentiate his legitimate need for drugs from drug-seeking & not letting other people’s agendas stop him. His determination to solve each case leaves me hoping I’ll one day have a doctor that fights that hard for a diagnosis.

8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: my MacBook

Macelangelo, as he’s known, is my connection to the world at large. I’ve been without a computer too often; most recently, before moving to Palm Springs 2 years ago. My physical world is just too damn small without the interwebz. I have no local support, no personal transportation & no other means of staying in touch with family or friends.. nor would I have as many friends!

9. The hardest part about nights is: sleeping

It’s hard to get to sleep, harder to stay asleep & hardest to get enough sleep. With me being tired all the time, you’d think sleep would come easier but, since it doesn’t, I’m all that much more tired. Vicious cycle, anyone? To add insult to injury, between my brain’s misfirings & being woken by pain that occurs if I stay in one position too long, my sleep’s not deep enough.

10. Each day I take __ pills & vitamins. thirteen[ish]

Until I can avail myself of healthcare, meds are rare & I can’t currently afford all the supplements I need. The non-negotiables though are a couple Beano before meals, a multi-vitamin at breakfast, Cranberry capsules with lunch & dinner, daily detox, plus a Melatonin at night. I also allow myself constant ibuprofen one week a month & am rationing my last Rx of Vicodin.

11. Regarding alternative treatments, I: love yoga

Yoga is what got me working again, five years ago now. That job lasted until a fall onto my back which the doctor then recommended yoga for. The breathing & stretching remain part of my coping arsenal but I long for the day I can return to yoga classes. I also know full well that massage & acupuncture make a positive difference but am unlikely to have such options.

12. If I had to choose an invisible or visible illness, I’d choose: neither

Seriously, if there were a choice.. but I digress. If I had to choose a disease, I’d opt for just about anything less debilitating. That’d be doubly handy as many visible illnesses are. While it can be nice to “not look sick,” I’m not sure it makes up for the reactions using a motorized cart in a store gets me. Meanwhile, I have been treated better since using a cane.

“Given the choice between the experience of pain and nothing, I would choose pain.”
~ William Faulkner ~

13. Regarding working and career: I miss people

My various jobs have each tapped into my creativity in some way & “working” online fortunately does as well. What my online projects can’t provide is the wonderful randomness of the public. Not that there’s a lack of people, obviously; I mean, here you are (& thanx) yet I miss the unexpected interactions, the smiles & hugs, the people-watching, my customers.

14. People would be surprised to know: how difficult tasks are

I’m continually surprised by the complexity of the simplest things. I’ll be doing something I’ve done before but not remember how. I’ve accepted that I don’t remember things but simple tasks should be doable by rote, no? Instead, I’m constantly relearning everyday routines. Shoe-tying, egg-boiling & other such mundanities require way too much concentration.

15. The hardest thing to accept about my reality has been: thinking

As a student of thought/collector of ideas/lover of concepts, I mourn the unfettered ability to think. Because I do still drink deep of all that I can, as I’m able, the loss may be as invisible as the illness causing it yet my brain often shuts down altogether. I truly believe God is in the details so the blurrier my thinking is, the more disconnected I tend to feel.

16. What I never tho’t I could do while ill but did was: be consistent

My fear of being unable to follow through hasn’t kept me from attempting to, mind you. I have a blog that’s been on an unplanned hiatus since January, am halfway through last February’s HaikuWriMo at deviantART, seem to be collecting unfinished poems & posts.. to name but a few attempts. However, there’s hope for, even when I couldn’t really write, I kept up on Twitter.

17. The commercials about my illness: are aggravating

Mine is as yet unnamed but the various possibilities are addressed & I resent the implication that a pill will fix me. This is yet more rampant online where, amidst all the support sites & articles, lie (pun intended) those proclaiming cures. The only thing I can be sure I have is autoimmune dysfunction which needs funding for research, not incomplete treatments.

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: dancing

I never did get the dance lessons I wanted but it would be harder yet to have an actual skill set & not be able to use it. Despite being untrained, dancing was once my therapy with dance clubs providing escape. It’s been over five years since my last dance — lost to the music & the crowd — which led to being carried off the dance floor & ending up bed-ridden.

19. It was really hard to have to give up: constant coffee

Rest assured, your coffeesister still allows herself one a day. It is a health drink, after all. Although coffee’s been my constant companion for as long as I can remember, my compromised health can’t take too much of a good thing. Hot beverages being a therapy I can’t live without, my morning coffee’s followed-up with black tea then green & I wrap up my day with herbal.

You don’t have to be still with a hot beverage for it to be therapeutic but you’ll be better off for every pause you let it create. (from Finding friendship, drink IN hand)

20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: letting go

Letting go of guilt, chores, the rest of that to-do list or whatever threatens my time &/or sanity thus health is freeing as well as necessary. My time is spent on self-care rather than self-doubt if not bogged down by more than I can possibly do, much less guilt over what’s not done. To-do lists are a lot looser now; I do things not only as I get a chance but if I get a chance.

21. If I had one day of feeling normal I would: dote on my Hunny

Setting aside the question of what the Hell normal is, the thing I resent not being able to do day after pain-wracked day is take care of my husband even a fraction of how well he takes care of me day in & day out. I’d love to be able to put his needs first for a change, not that they never are but mine inevitably rear their helplessly needy head. He so richly deserves a day off!

22. My illness has taught me: to slow down

Perhaps my insomnia since childhood was a symptom of a more compromised system than yet known. Filling those extra hours over the years provided a distraction. By not slowing down, I kept from having to face how I really felt. I could contend being too ill to continue college was just the result of overdoing. All I had to do was find a better balance, right?!

23. One thing people say that gets under my skin is: get well soon

While such well-wishers are well-intentioned, which I do appreciate, the implication that I can “get well soon” belies the reality of my situation. I’m not even sure I’ve ever been well & can’t count on ever being well, dealing as I am with not just chronic but debilitating health issues. Thus, when someone who’s known me for a time uses this phrase, it feels dismissive.

24. But I love it when people: insist on helping

Innate self-reliance makes it hella hard to ask for help yet I need it. If someone helps without being asked, much less insists on doing something for me, it’s an unqualified gift; I’m able to avoid the extra pain & save a little energy while not putting anyone out. It’s an acknowledgment — as much as a reminder to me — that I need help but, moreover, that they understand.

25. My favorite [concept] to get through tough times is: the yin-yang

The yin and yang represent all the opposites found in the universe; each having within them the seeds of their opposite state, that is, sickness has the seeds of health, health contains sickness, wealth, poverty, etc. None can exist without the other &, to the extent we experience anything, we become capable of experiencing its opposite. Seek that seed in every circumstance.

“Don’t curse the darkness – light a candle.”
~ Chinese Proverb ~

26. If someone’s diagnosed I’d like to tell them: your illness isn’t you

Our bodies — being physical — are but part of our circumstances. They & their maladies may effect who we become, as any external force can, yet who we are at our core is up to us. Just as my smile, though initially noticed due to my overbite, is remembered instead for its warmth; whatever your body’s putting you through is distracting but temporary, don’t lose yourself to it.

27. What surprised me, living with an illness, is: it doesn’t get easier

As fatalistic as that may seem, I’m not saying there’s not improvement in the illness itself or my ability to cope with it. However, the understanding that I could get worse again at any given moment is a constant. My condition has roller-coastered year after year, I don’t know what I’ll be dealing with moment to moment, having my life held hostage doesn’t get easier.

28. The nicest thing done, when I wasn’t well, was: remembering me

It’s natural to meet silence with silence but some remember my many silences aren’t by choice, won’t shrug off yet another absence, remember what I’m struggling with & reach out despite my inability to. Quotationaries to blogging, a shout-out into the voids can spark the energy needed or bridge the neglect. My love to all who’ve checked in if I haven’t tweeted for a time.

29. I’m involved with IIW because: understanding leads to progress

From the empathy we with invisible illnesses can share to the better understanding we can foster in those who know us to a clearer picture of the health issues that are a possibility for all of us therefore the true state of our so-called healthcare system, each epiphany paves the way for progress. Seeing these invisible struggles, how do we all not seek to ensure care?

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: grateful &..

I’m overwhelmingly grateful: Grateful that my blog still gets readers (given how much my illness interrupts its flow), grateful you care enough to be here, grateful my experience may make a positive impact & hopeful. My hope is that you’re taking something you can use away with you & that you’ll return. I hope to keep sharing & learning from each other — tell me something I may not know in the comments — for, together, we can change the world.

(|_|*cheers*|_|)
“Joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. The deeper that sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain.” ~ Kahlil Gibran

UPDATE: I’ve now had health care for just over a year which has led to two confirmed diagnoses so far, Endometriosis & Migraine.

PS: Here’s a sampling of others’ “30 Things..”

• Aviva Brandt aka @SickMomma
• Dannette Rusnak aka @FibroHaven
• Diana Lee aka @somebodyhealme
• Elizabeth Wakefield aka @EAWake
• Jasmine Walton aka @jasminepw
• JessiBee aka @fmslife
• warriormare aka @hedwyg

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Whatever it is, don’t let it.. not completely anyway. We all have things we’re putting off & issues that are holding us back. The damn dirty deal of it all is that we don’t always have a choice. Now, don’t get me wrong; we always have a choice but sometimes all we can choose is our attitude. The simple truth is that we can’t do anything & everything we want, much less when we want to but we sure as Hell can do what we can do. That may seem oversimplified but too often we’re so caught up in what we can’t do that we neglect to do what we can. Rather than focus on what’s not done (poor, unfinished blog posts), we have an opportunity every day — any given moment — to act. Our actions need not be big, just purposefully taken.

Let’s take action together as I explore my somedays along with my invisible illnesses. The reason I blog is to share my experiences, that others may learn from them too, & the reason I don’t blog as often as I’d like is my wonky health. I’ve borrowed an interview of me by Alex Fayle from his fantastic site, Someday Syndrome, as it addresses what’s in MY way & I’m sharing it here — now — because today is the beginning of National Invisible Illness Awareness Week. The recent push for Health Care Reform has prompted me to share more about my own health so I will be posting yet more this week but hope my answers below reach you in a way that impacts your own perspective & perhaps even the healthcare debate.

1. Describe who you are, how you live and what you do in one sentence. (e.g. Alex is a former procrastinator who uses his visionary ability to uncover hidden patterns and help people break the procrastination obstacle so they can finally find freedom and start living the life they desire.)

   Dorian aka coffeesister is coffee for the soul; brewing up help, health & happiness from a simple, stimulating & sustainable life while offering life lessons, potential perspectives & empathetic encouragement to all takers for that’s why we’re here: we’ve all been lent to each other.

2. Name one moment in your life when you threw a pity party for yourself and the reasons why you felt you weren’t able to achieve your goals. Were you feeling stuck? Had you felt you failed? What wasn’t working in your life?

   I’ve had chronic pain, in one form or another, throughout my life but that didn’t prepare me for being bed-ridden by my late-20s. I’d gallantly pushed on despite migraines, chronic daily headaches, tendinitis, mild scoliosis & asthma for over a quarter of a century — even keeping a job through what was presumably mono, despite having to drop out of college. Then.. No amount of willpower nor sense of urgency nor the strongest determination could make up for the fact that I was debilitatingly weak, constantly tired, painfully sore & cognitively spent.

   We (fortunately, I wasn’t alone; thank you, Dave) were building our first home, finally working in theatre & newly living near my family (another God-send) yet I felt like I was alternately missing out or ruining it. Although I’d always had bad bouts with my so-called health, none of the tricks I’d learned over the years were working. Employing everything I knew about sleep, diet & exercise simply gave me bouts of functionality. My world had turned around & I was left with a new reality in which I not only had few enough good days but fewer answers.

   Being starving artist types who live paycheck to paycheck, insurance had just never been an affordable option so my doctor could do little more than guess once what tests we could afford offered no answers. With symptoms like tiredness, grogginess & confusion as well as nothing but the likes of “Chronic Fatigue Syndrome” to point to for an eventual diagnosis, I was treated by most people as if I had a psychological disorder instead of a physical one. That’s when the party really got going because I too began to wonder.

3. Even our lowest moments fulfill a need in us or express our desires. When you threw yourself that pity party, what did you hope to gain? What need did you fulfill?

   My life hadn’t been particularly easy so, for a time, I took a much needed break. You know, the ol’ “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” routine. The more rest I got, the more bouts of functionality came my way & that Dave-person even managed to get me my own computer so things weren’t bad per se if still not forming a life anything like I’d ever envisioned or known. As I shared recently on Twitter; surprisingly enough, being horizontal does get tiresome.

   Dave & I believe that it’s important to be content in your life, regardless of circumstances, but just as important to not be satisfied. Thankfully, I wasn’t. I do love to think & it may have become increasingly challenging to do so but I’d certainly had plenty of time to do so anyway. The computer was used for research as my doctor had pointed me in the likely directions — speaking of which, Fibromyalgia Awareness Day was just last week — & the conclusions eventually started adding up.

   When life stops us dead (or at least forces us to play dead), there’s a reason. When there’s no discernible cause for the hiatus from life as we know it, there’s a damn good reason. Not only did I need to reassess my current situation, it was high time I found the throughline for my nearly 30 years. I recognized I was still very young, despite feeling very old, & had always been wise for my years so I’d equally not felt the need for in-depth retrospection & long since known myself quite well. Looking at my own life with a fresh perspective was a challenge & a gift.

4. Tell us what you did to break up the pity party. What actions did you decide to take? Did someone help you buoy your spirits? Push you along?

   I’m still working toward more thriving than surviving but it’s crucial not to miss out on life along the way. No matter what you’re going through, your psyche’s still capable of laughter, your heart still responds to beauty & your soul still needs to be fed. I continued Stage Managing intermittently despite ending up in a practically comatose state after each show, teaching myself how to use this new body & mind in the process. That also allowed me to work with teens which was my first vocation. Staying connected to my passions kept me sane & combining them kept me going for the teen volunteers were learning what I did (but no longer could do on my own).

   Feeling somewhat like myself again, it was time to fill in the blanks. Both the figurative ones, such as what I had been doing to my health all these years, & the literal ones, like a malfunctioning brain, had to be addressed. Everything we experience is a collision of perspective & circumstance so fundamental change, especially to the point of restoring health, relies on understanding how each came about. I asked the people who knew me best (w/mug raised to that Hunny o’mine & me mum) comparative questions about my symptoms, frame of mind & any other differences they’d noticed past to present. I kept a “brain book” — like a journal but far less interesting — to track my thoughts since my gray matter was no longer reliable. I used the scientific method to ascertain what caused which & which worsened when. It doesn’t matter what’s not working or how you may break, the human spirit can dominate but it will triumph if you do more than mend the cracks; rebuild (we have the technology).

5. Can you look back on that moment and tell us how you felt when you did decide to take action? What results came about from your decision to take charge and move on?

   Empowered. I tell you what; did I mention empowered? All the best things in life are active. Just as you can’t steer an anchored ship, you can’t create change until you make changes. Sure, some of them will be wrong.. YAY you! Mistakes mean you took a risk, you tried. We can’t learn without mistakes. A societal majority has misrepresented success. Success is NOT not failing, has nothing to do with what you do, even less to do with what you own & everything to do with who you are. The key to discovering who I was, as it is with all of us, was to discover my mistakes. It wasn’t that I blamed myself but that I knew I’d missed something because, when I hadn’t taken action, my body had been forced to. However healthy you may be, heed your body’s messages. It knows what it needs.

   I was so used to pain it didn’t occur to me as I was growing up that it wasn’t normal. We really do acclimate to whatever we don’t know isn’t typical. In turn, we don’t know what it is that’s atypical so we don’t talk about it. Other, equally damaging things in my life have also fit that pattern. I came to realize that I hadn’t just been in denial when it came to my health but was in denial about being in denial. Upon figuring out that constant pain wasn’t a common phenomenon, once I quit self-medicating with alcohol in my teen years, I was no longer covered by parental insurance. When I couldn’t conveniently avoid the pain & play at normalcy that way, I assumed instead that my pain was just worse than most people’s. Rather than face that there were indeed people without any, thus recognizing pain as a problem, I allowed myself to believe it was only severe pain that was considered a warning sign & downplayed my own.

   I’d been downplaying quite the collection of symptoms over the years. It had become habit so as not to worry others & I’d lost track, no longer noticing the progression. We can give ourselves no better gift than to take stock periodically. If all’s well &/or we’re comparatively improved, we feel appropriately grateful whereas, if the comparison doesn’t hold up, we can take appropriate action. In order to function from day to day, it can be important not to keep a constant watch on the big picture lest we get overwhelmed. Be sure to install multi-paned glass in the picture window of your life so you can focus on each pain pane as needed then be sure to step back now & again for that telling big picture. At nearly 30, I finally stepped all the way back for the first time & discovered not just a slew of random symptoms but a myriad of related symptoms all pointing to one thing: autoimmune dysfunction. It wasn’t a specific answer but it was the key to fighting back.

6. Everyone has a Someday problem hiding deep inside, even little ones. What variety of the Someday Syndrome do you currently harbor? What would you like to achieve but haven’t yet?

   “I’ll do that (insert someday here) when I feel better.” The sad fact is that I very often must wait til I’m feeling better which is precisely what makes this Somedayness so insidious. Anything we need to legitimately consider in our daily lives can all too easily become more habit than prudent. When money’s especially tight, we become wary of spending it. My energy is like a constantly devalued currency in an unstable economy. Its value will plummet without warning &, the next thing I know, the simplest task had far too great a cost. It’s human nature to steer clear of actions that have negative consequences; the more difficult something is, the more reticent we become. When it’s not only difficult but likely means you won’t be able to do anything else for a time, that reticence becomes procrastination.

   I’ve always been an expert procrastinator. My saving grace being that I use my procrastination skills to stay open to unexpected opportunities; ready, able & willing to set everything aside as priorities change from day to day. Ultimately, this is simply mindful living — letting the moments take me where I’m most needed. However, with so little energy currency to spend at any given time & the added taxation on any action of additional pain, staying ready can become standing (or lying) still. Limiting our expenditures can turn into a pattern of not spending at all. “Better safe than sorry” has its place & one of the mantras I live by is “when in doubt, don’t” but, when it’s fear masquerading as doubt, then it’s time to do, damn it, DO!

7. Examining your Someday Syndrome problem, what are you currently doing to resolve it and eliminate it from your life?

   Ever trade one obsession in for another? Quit a bad habit by replacing it? Stop making yourself sicker day after day by being afraid to do anything? ur doin it wrong! Going from one extreme to another leaves out a world of possibilities. Fear loves to parade around inside our heads all dressed up as doubt. Good ol’ doubt; so wise, so sane, just there to help. Fear, when legitimate, doesn’t hesitate; it knows it’s justified & rears its scary head. Thank God. It’s the reason we don’t typically open the door the killer’s lurking behind in real life. When fear’s feeling over-protective not to mention a bit controlling, it hides. Because of this prowess, the only way to catch it in the act is that taking-stock-thing.

   If I had to choose just one mantra, it’d be “coffee makes everything better,” which I’d then question because it would actually be “question everything.” We have to ask ourselves all the obvious “Why?”s then follow up with as many “Really?!”s as we can muster only to then ask my personal favorite, “So what!?” So what if it hurts to do that? It’s really not worth a little pain?? Why settle for less when you can have what you want??? I’ve been out of bed for a decade now & have learned a lot about keeping my body going while giving it the chance it needs to get healthier. Unfortunately, some good habits had devolved into bad ones thanx to my bossy friend Fear. Fortunately, I reached a point where I looked around & asked, “What the Hell?!?”

   The big picture was once again of a life on hold. Pane after pane revealed how miserly I’d become with my health. From simple things like not making myself an always coveted hot beverage when Dave wasn’t available because the back pain & aggravated headache seemed too high a price to no longer venturing far from home for fear of getting stranded as will happen when the wrong muscle acts up at the wrong time. Big change always starts with little changes so things like being the one to make our nightly tea are what started to get me back on track. My Grandma’s death proved my final boarding call for the “you created a life, live it already” train. Not only did I reflect on the first time she kicked me in the butt, that I might make more of my life, but I ended up spending time with her daughter (aka Momma) who equipped my butt with the things I’d need to get on with that life. I seldom answer Twitter’s update query, “What are you doing?” but — since returning home with vitamins my body can absorb, meds that do what my body can’t & my beautiful wooden cane, Chester — I could.

8. Many people suffer the same problems you do. You’re not alone, and neither are they. What would you tell people in your situation right now to help them avoid what you’re going through?

   Any time there’s not a tangible reason for a day to be lacklustre (frustration, health issue, disappointment), something needs to give. If you can’t pinpoint a problem but can’t declare a good day, your soul’s trying to tell you something. Decoding soul-speak can be tricky; common messengers are dreams, new frustrations (especially things that weren’t previously frustrating), cravings (often occurring with health issues) & recurring thoughts. Small changes can provide a new take on things as each day’s choices bring a different perspective. If nothing floats to the surface &/or you’re not typically so self-aware, the key to unlocking a current discontent or needed change is to journal. Nothing orderly or defined, mind you, & you needn’t continue indefinitely. Just shake a few things loose with some free-writing first thing in the morning or last thing at night. If you find yourself staring at a blank page, e-mail random thoughts (try using a time limit) to someone you trust or even yourself. Act on new ideas, try new things, change things up every chance you get & you’ll find what’s lacking.. or accidentally fulfill it.

9. If you could ask for one thing, right now, to help you overcome your Someday Syndrome, what type of help would you ask for? You might be tempted to provide a cheeky answer, but stop and think a moment about what would really help you.

   Ask me what I’m doing now & again. If I can’t answer, I’d better have a Hell of a reason. Simply put, everything I do has a physical price so I’m constantly weighing the cost against the return. Feedback provides such high return value as to make the cost consistently worthwhile. In turn, I have to be willing to proudly proclaim my accomplishments. Most people aren’t going to understand what a big deal walking to the store is, much less consider making coffee something to be proud of (unless I were 4 rather than 40), nor should they but I will. We don’t need reassurance to realize we’re doing something of value. What comes in handy though is prompting; we get a chance to remember what & why we’re doing whatever it is that’s uniquely ours with the irreplaceable bonus of knowing someone noticed. As much as I love to blog & — yes — tweet, the motivation does wane without feedback. Everything I do is done with the hope it’ll touch another soul so each & every response touches mine.

   I had set the goal of posting weeklyish to each of my blogs just before my current derailment so will be working my way back to that. Your feedback on any or all of them would be an immeasurable help & I encourage you to please share anything. Comment on the writing, format, theme, you name it, or just comment. ^_^ From the freshly brewed warmth & wisdom poured into every post at my primary blog, “Drink Deeply,” to the quotationaries — quotations w/commentary — “Dorian’s Demitasse” is filled with; I’m sharing what I’ve learned, my experiences & those I love with the intention of helping. Then there’s “Drink Deeply [of me]),” where I share just that: moi.

(|_|*cheers*|_|)
“Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn’t learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn’t learn a little, at least we didn’t get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn’t die; so, let us all be thankful.” ~ Buddha

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• 

What’s with the 404s?! Yesterday, the whole site was gone & today there’s another missing post. Who’s running this site anyway!? Oh yeah, that’d be me; you know, the one typing this. Of course, I’m done typing now as it’s been published & is being read by you — thanx, btw!

My weekly[ish] tweet posts require editing to turn into the beautiful plethora of pics, videos, quotes & links they’re meant to offer. Otherwise, you could just peruse my Twitter profile.

The good news is, I’ll be editing through the week & have spiffy new posts to share soon as they’ve just been waylaid by that infernal editing department. The better news is that the site itself is changing up.. not in content or design, mind you, just presentation. I’ll be making it easier to find the various offerings. In the mood for quotes — & when aren’t you? — voila, the most recent quotable post right there up front. But wait, there’s more.. The most recent goodies tweeted will still be front & center but so will the latest holiday post & life-tweaking post.

That’s right, accessibility baby! I’ll keep the coffee hot & the tea out so come on back now, y’hear??

UPDATE: Time flies even when you’re not having fun. No worries tho’, the editing continues & the revitalized posts WILL start appearing this week. Your patience is so appreciated & I’d like to show my appreciation. Leave a comment or use the contact form to let me know how I can make my blog’s downtime up to you.. What do you miss? What would you like me to write about? How can I make Drinking Deeply a better experience for you? THANX! (&, yes, by all means, let me know what you don’t like as well)

PS: For those concerned, while my health did slow my progress down, it was also other projects. I run my best friend’s blog & he started posting regularly so fell free to check out Nothing is Impossible Ministries. Whatever your take on Christianity, his perspective’s refreshing, his travels interesting & his insights honest. Meanwhile, I’m also building a new site for a dear friend at LornaInWonderland.net & there’s much to be done yet but I hope to have something worthy up by her 5th anniversary of blogging in 10 days. Wish me luck & wish her a happy 5th!

(|_|*cheers*|_|)
“The never-ending task of [blog] improvement.”
– Ralph Waldo Emerson

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• 

Thanx for your patience (hopefully ~_~) w/these weekly Twitter posts. Not only am I in the process of editing them but the intent behind them was to intersperse regular posts. *oops* Seriously tho’, they are meant to share the best tweets of the week: the links, photos, quotations & videos. The one below is the only one edited so far, the rest will return shortly — as far shorter & more enjoyable reads.

Meanwhile, we (as in RhodesTer & I) were blessed with an opportunity to switch apartments thus settling into the new one continues to keep me busy. Watch for the best tweets of June amidst my sorting then you’ll get that whole story as well.

(|_|*cheers*|_|)
“When one has finished building one’s [home], one suddenly realizes that in the process one has learned something that one really needed to know in the worst way — before one began.”
~ Friedrich Nietzsche ~

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• 

No matter how elusive luck is, we never stop seeking it &
can’t help hoping for it — nor should we. That watchfulness keeps us aware of opportunities & the hope gives us the courage to take chances. By believing in a bit of luck, we stay open to things beyond the sum of our experiences. Whether luck is something we carry within or encounter, it’s what we make of it. This was Friday the 13th & the mythos alone of such a date gives it a unique energy. What did you make of it?

Just as we create our own luck, we shape our experiences. Dates of personal significance also have an energy that can be tapped into, if not more so. Anything that goes awry on a birthday seems worse than it would any other day but the trade off is that the small goodnesses translate as greatnesses. Perhaps that’s why RhodesTer & I don’t make plans for our celebratory days. We keep the goals simple & let the appropriate druthers dictate the day, or days, or weeks if it’s June.

A two week distraction from me my own goals & intentions culminating on an infamously dated Friday spent almost entirely on Stickam has left me just as horribly wonderfully behind as I feared expected. The time spent offline for our anniversary led to a better balance of off/online time aka being offline for more than sleep. Once I’m not catering to a birthday boy’s whims, that may actually lead to a bit of homemaking which is no doubt what he wished when blowing out the candle.

My blog comments mean the world to me thus not replying these last two weeks was disappointing, even difficult. I’m humbled that comments were still made & I hope more will be yet as I’ll be replying over the weekend. As of publishing my first ever link love post, I promptly quit focusing on myself (i.e. this blog), leaving all the marvelous reciprocal haiku hanging. Lo, the love’s seemed a little lackluster of late (Did I forget the alliteration alert?) but your patience is about to pay off.

Too much of a good thing doesn’t necessarily constitute a bad thing. Although a bout of bad luck helped create the near neglect of my blog, it was amidst an abundance of good luck. Every yin must have its yang so perhaps it’s simply the perfect balance of luck that’s elusive. Just as we took time to celebrate recently, find your own significant ways of celebrating fatherhood this weekend — while I’m pouring myself back into Drinking Deeply — then continue the flow with a comment or two.

(|_|*cheers*|_|)
“I am a great believer in luck and I find the harder I work
the more I have of it.”
~ Stephen Leacock ~

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• 

Twitter asked me to “Share my story” & share I did. Of course, the story they wanted was why I use Twitter. Having recently answered how I use it on two different sites, the basis for my response was already written but I could have answered why with one word. I’d imagine most of the stories submitted will share that underlying reason yet with all the varied approaches found from blog to blog. Even those who seldom add to the ready flow of communication the internet makes possible are taking part in turning their share of monologues into dialogs.

The reason I blog is to communicate with a wide range of people & Twitter is by far the most natural extension of that. With the flexibility to follow only those of my choosing via Google Chat & an ongoing tweet stream awaiting me whenever I decide to take a dip, it fits my life & online habits even as they fluctuate from day to day. I’m always sure to find excellent advice, article/post recommendations, breaking news & — of course — a good balance of entertainment. Thus, my Twitter stream has replaced the “Digg’s Top Stories” feed I’d used for so long.

Through Twitter, I’ve had a blog post listed on ProBlogger, received a compliment from the founder of eBay & been provided an opportunity to communicate with people I’ve been following through other mediums for ages. Given who you choose to follow, it can be a mini-mentoring experience or simply an interesting influx of information (not to mention both ^_^). Like most Web 2.0 innovations, Twitter can be used in whatever way fits each user’s needs & the benefits are only starting to be realized.

|_|) “Communication–the human connection–is the key to personal and career success.” ~ Paul J. Meyer

PS: It doesn’t hurt that both my hunny & my cat are tweeting too. ~_^

While there are those blogging, & therefore being pseudo-social, with no other intention than making money; even they have to communicate something to have a lasting shot at profitability. There are also many entrepreneurs communicating so effectively that money proved the result. The difference between communicating to earn & earning from communicating is vast though. Gary Vaynerchuk puts it best with his encouragement to prioritize legacy over currency. It may seem ironic that I relate to that SO strongly since both appear equally lacking.

Without a clear path to either, goals still have to be made & intentions declared. My goal when it comes to blogging has always been communication which flows from the fact that I seek out opportunities to communicate in everything I do & everywhere I go. The result has been a full spectrum of observations; with all the extreme viewpoints, hard realities & reassuring wonder of the human condition as my guide. This acute awareness of all that we are, all we are capable of — good as well as  bad — & all we can be to each other is ultimately why I blog.

I’ve been expressing myself online hither & thither for nearly 15 years but not til six months ago was I able to start this blog &, not until this one, was I able to maintain one. Determination & circumstance finally somewhat in sync, an ongoing effort became possible which is why it was time to leave free forums behind. Having established that I’m here simply in the hope of creating a dialog & that I’m no expert in anything, merely an observer of everything, leaves the question; “Why am I willing to pay for a presence online amidst continued poverty?”

The potential answers — Is it ego, am I insane or desperate for friends?! — are why my Twitter story prompted me to tell my blog story. Although I impart much of myself in every post, I’ve yet to actually introduce myself. *flashback to 8th-grade cheerleading* “Dorian,” “Yeah,” “Introduce yourself,” “YEAH,” “Introduce Yourself,” “RIGHT ON, my name is DORIAN!” (flashback dedicated to Tony Northrip whose merciless teasing is why I still remember the degrading chant) As this is an introduction, before you draw any conclusions, allow me to point out cheerleading was the only way to be excused from P.E.

Biographically speaking, in six months I turn 40 & I’m proud of my upcoming milestone. Ever young at heart, I can thoroughly enjoy an age with which my life experience is not so incongruous. My life journey thus far has been one of heath problems, money issues & the mandatory family dysfunction. It has, however, been punctuated by irrefutable hope, miraculous comebacks & unconditional love. I met Rhodester 19 years ago & a relationship of some longevity is training ground enough but I’d already run a bit of a gamut before meeting him. He caught up with me during our first few years of marriage.

I had father issues & had been raped [more than once], fortunately unrelated, was an alcoholic with other addictions as well, very related, a runaway that couldn’t stay away, for love of my mum, & a Unitarian who’d come to believe the Trinity while still questioning Religion. “May you live in interesting times” proved both my curse & my wish; I felt trapped in small-town, middle-class mediocrity & found my escape to be ‘thinking interesting thoughts’ instead. My vices have finally mellowed, even I seem to have along the way, yet not only am I still addicted to interesting thoughts but thinking them isn’t enough; they must be shared.

That’s where you come in. I want to listen & consider, as much as offer contemplation. It’s with the understanding that we have an inevitable impact in every moment of every day that I want even the simplest ones to count. From the difference we can make with a smile to the apathy we contribute to with inaction, our ripples are being felt. In seeking to create good ripples, it just makes sense that it’s equally good — if not better — to impact other ripples along the way. Thus, I seem to inexplicably be offering advice & you don’t really know me; why should you care what I have to say & who do I think I am anyway??

That’s just it, I don’t think I’m any different from any of you. I believe that what affects one of us effects us all, whether we’re aware of it or not, & that we all share shortcomings alongside infinite potential. I hated that word growing up as much because I’d heard it too many times as it coming off oxymoronic. It’s typically used in reference to someone else’s expectation, at worst, or a specific goal, at marginal best, but would be far more encouraging were it to be left appropriately open-ended. Never should we limit ourselves, nor should we forget the potential of unending possibilities & unexpected blessings we all offer each other.

LOL cat found via a tweet from Pete Cashmore of Mashable

While I feel I should promptly start pooping rainbows on that note, life experience & my personal dictate to doubt everything have always kept me a realist so my capacity for optimism is merely a balancing force. Part of my innate balance is an avid interest in almost everything which in no way qualifies me to have opinions about all of it but I do anyway. The next balancing force at work is that there’s little I haven’t come across thus I know there are no right or wrong answers. There is only truth & our individual experiences. So, I’m offering up my own varied thoughts in a way that hopefully makes sense & perhaps even helps, with the single goal of prompting more thought. Therefore, pour yourself another hot beverage & add to the brew..

(|_|*cheers*|_|)
“You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him
to find it in himself.”
~ Galileo Galilei ~

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• 

<– This is Sheryl or, at least, her profile pic. Same difference, right? What?! There’s more to each of us than captured online!? I think I’ve captured myself rather well here at Drink Deeply, I’ll have you know! Of course, this hopefully decent but certainly accurate rendering of me becomes a more complete portrait with perusals of my online profiles: MYfacebook, MY[other]blog, MYstumbles, MYtube, MYtumblr, MYtwitter & even MYspace — despite all its flaws. Thus, in proper appreciation for the site we all hate to love (or is that use?), may the cross-posting begin. Back we go then after our whirlwind tour of MYself.. Giving the excuse, “Tara tagged me, so here it is,” Sheryl has tagged MOI:

Here’s how you play. Once you’ve been tagged, you have to write a blog (*or a bulletin) with 10 weird, random things, facts, habits or goals about yourself. At the end, you choose 10 people to be tagged, listing their names and why you chose them to be tagged. Don’t forget to leave each one a comment (“You’re It!”) asking them to read your blog/bulletin. You can’t tag the person who tagged you. Since you can’t tag me back, let me know when you’ve posted your blog/bulletin so I can see your answers.

Sheryl, you rule-breaker, why? I must know why you tagged me. *hands on hips* I expect to find out when you comment on this post. *wags finger* You WILL comment on this post; I know where you live your MySpace is. Besides, I’m about to think up write out ten random things – that are supposed to be weird to boot – for YOU.

1. I’ve had a headache for over 20 years. Yes, the same one, constantly.
2. One pain has a root cause. The only time I ever slid home was playing softball indoors.
3. Most of my body is in pain all the time. Different areas flare without rhyme or reason.
4. Electrical shocks, sudden numbness & periodic tremors accompany the ongoing pain.
5. I used to read multiple books at once. Now I read one multiple times to get thru it.
6. I had to relearn swimming year after year. All I actually learned to do is float.
7. While caffeine has little effect, hot coffee relaxes me & can help me sleep.
8. Although I’ll only drink hot coffee black, I sweeten all tea & iced coffee.
9. I hate carrying a purse so oft just put my mobile, lip balm & money in pockets.
10. I desperately need my own computer again; not only do I greatly miss catching up on other blogs – not to mention staying more active on mine – but without this outlet available consistently, I am slowly but surely losing my mind.

Having previously posted “7 Weird or Random Facts,” this was harder than anticipated. However, don’t be discouraged from pondering some of your own weirdness; I would LOVE to see reciprocal lists or links to lists in the comments! Even if you don’t typically express yourself online, what better foray to make?! A safe, encouraging setting where you’re free to be frivolous.. Won’t you play with me? Unless you happen to have a spare laptop about, MacBook preferred , comments are a girl’s [next] best friend. Whatever my health proves to be challenged by, despite my knowledge that it’s not psychosomatic, the effect of the psyche on the soma canNOT be underestimated. Given the intensity of my struggle physically, my mental health is imperative. Whereas physical & mental health typically wax & wane in turn, with one perpetually on the wane, the other absolutely musn’t be stifled.

(|_|*cheers*|_|)

“I know what love feels like. That is one thing I have found. That is one thing that is much clearer because of Fibromyalgia. Because once you experience real pain you recognize the vibration, the feeling of being healthy, happy and loved. If I’m not living from my heart, I get sick. I need to do things that feed my soul, like being with people I love, or playing my guitar, or listening to music.” ~ A. J. Langer

PS: With hopes pinned on your comments here & in true cross-posting fashion, I’ll be doing my tagging at MYspace.

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• 

There are any number of words starting with E, N, T & P — not all flattering — that could & may be offered up to describe me. The ones that together describe my personality though are Extraverted, iNtuitive (I’m not the one that cheated, ‘I’ was already taken by ‘Introverted’), Thinking & Perceiving. I first tested my personality with this approach over 20 years ago which either attests that I was a precocious teen or I’m getting a few years under my belt.. or both. Either way, the results were the same so — whatever that says about me — it bodes well for this online test.

The version I took two decades ago was far more in depth in its testing & results but this hugely simplified online counterpart gets kudos. I’ll try not to bore you with too many of the results it does offer for, should you find me enough of a curiosity, you may look for yourself.. On a slightly borg-like note; my “Primary Function” is apparently “Extraverted Intuition” & I do have a funny feeling that I’d like to share with EVERYone but that may just be the current lack of caffeine. *brewing* WHEW; my caffeine — er — blood‘s flowing again. **coffee for everyone**

As an ENTP, I’m termed an “Originator” — essentially for original thought — & I admittedly perceive that as quite a compliment; even more so, given some of the company I’m in:

Famous ENTPs
• Alexander the Great — king, military commander
• Alfred Hitchcock — filmmaker (The Birds)
• Lewis Carrol — author (Alice in Wonderland)
• Nikola Tesla — inventor, physicist, engineer
• Sir Walter Raleigh — writer, poet, explorer
• Walt Disney — filmmaker, entrepreneur

Fictional ENTPs
• Dr. Emmett ‘Doc’ Brown — Back to the Future
• Ed — Cowboy Bebop
• Q — James Bond
• Q — Star Trek: The Next Generation

Tesla, in particular, is happy-making in that I could hope for no better company & I’m thrilled he was included at all as he’s too seldom acknowledged. I’m awfully glad as well to have Ed’s company since there are few enough female ENTPs, especially to whom I can relate from the examples the site provided. You may have noticed, however, that I’m almost equally an ENFP so it would seem it’s as an “Advocate” that I’m doing this original thinking. Yes, 3% is marginal; as opposed to how Hillary’s New Hampshire win over Barack was reported. They even won the same number of delegates but I digress.

This balance of two personality types leaves my primary function unchanged; wherein “different possibilities are thought of, realizing that there is always another way of looking at things.” It’s my secondary function that then has to find balance between “knowing what I value & knowing how things work.” While my tertiary functions build on this same balance with a logical approach to feelings, my least dominant function is true of both my thinking & feeling halves (give or take a percentage or three). So, in either mode, I have “the ability to link present experiences to past experiences in search for a connection.”

Perhaps more telling is what I’m not. Between my two interwoven personality types, I have a personality comprised of six of the eight distinct functions of personality. My two seemingly absent functions juxtapose “living ‘in the moment’ & having a sense about the future.” This may well be because I actually do both which I recognize as rare & neither outweighs the other so as to cancel each other out test-wise. In practice though, they are symbiotic. I see life for what it could be while making the most of what it is. That ever-present awareness of what the future may hold frees me to enjoy every moment without concern for what has yet to pass.

What wise quote fits you?

Yes indeed, you see true strength can only be seen when a person has ‘fallen’. Only then can one tell how they will handle it. Just don’t make others fall so you can know who they really are. You, on the other hand, recover very quickly and don’t let people bring you down. You are your own, and you’re fine with that. Emotional issues are something you handle rather nicely.

Some schools of thought set you up to be so focused on the future that you’re harboring regret for the present. I can’t think of anything sadder. I am absolutely an advocate of positive thought & know first-hand how powerful it can be but it shouldn’t distract us from recognizing, simply put, what is. Some things just are & that’s okay; we don’t need to berate ourselves for them or try to be something we’re not, much less bypass an opportunity to accept something real for that’s where ultimate truth is planted. In regard to personality, surely my long-standing ENTPness shows that we do have traits inherently; it’s what we choose to nurture that makes us who we are. Thus, this is me; informed by my head but governed by my heart..

(|_|*cheers*|_|)
“Joy is the holy fire that keeps our purpose warm and our intelligence aglow.”
~ Helen Keller ~

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• 

My, my; how two weeks can disappear when your eviction from one dwelling leads to van-dwelling til a new dwelling is miraculously found but none too easily won. Having faced the physical challenges, undergone the testing of our faith & confronted the philosophical conundrums; here we happily & unapologetically are.

If coffee’s my lifeblood, perhaps the internet’s my life force.. It went away soon after I posted “Simplicity isn’t simple” & my time til it did was spent looking for a home. Of course, none of those leads directly led to where we live. Speaking of where we live (what an excellent if simple phrase indeed), my time since has been spent making it a home.

Not to be too punny but that would admittedly be an easier process if we had anything to spend. My favorite part of any move is the opportunity to be rid of yet more baggage. That continued purging is slowing the settling in but will be well worth it in the end. Hopefully, by the time things are sorted, there’ll even be something to put them in or on.

Back to the Simplicity post & its amazing comments to which I was unable to reply — til now: Seldom have I felt quite so understood, much less supported. Truth be told, I hadn’t even realized just how much I needed the catharsis your comments proved to be. I wasn’t looking for sympathy & your empathetic replies show that you know that.

Omyword! wrote (amidst more):

How dare someone imply that I am selfish to not pursue wealth. I’d like to know their ulterior motives (i.e. sell me real estate or something else OR…support their own ideology). I am closer to other human beings right now than I EVER was when I was working 12 hour days to make money so I could live in a fucking secured, gated community condo. Blech.

The once friend offering gems of wisdon’t does indeed sell real estate. His suggestion that the need to budget “doesn’t allow you to do much for those around” is both preposterous & insulting. Who’s to say what little change we have to give someone in need is any less a gift. Do those with more to give actually give more? Go ahead, just try to put a value on my time. That fact that I always have & will give of myself is unchanged by my financial state.

Sheryl wrote:

The richest person in the world could also be the poorest person. Joy comes from living your life to the fullest, following your dreams, being who God intends you to be. Some people are meant to live in a nice home while others are meant to live in a hut but both can be equally happy and successful.

Allowing that it’s a nice hut.. Seriously, though, all the trappings of success cannot overcome any inner lack but success of being can overwhelm external lack. My grandparents allowed me to pick out the charm for a necklace they were buying me when I was significantly younger than now & I chose “Spoiled Rotten.” As contradictory as that may seem to who I claim to be, think again for it was love I was spoiled by.

Rhodester wrote (amidst more):

The place we’re moving into is about 300 square feet.. it has a bed, a table with two chairs and a patio.. and we couldn’t be happier about it. I think that happiness and contentment is worth more than all those material things. Call me selfish.

If only it were the lack of square footage that were the exaggeration here — writers can’t help but be colorful in their descriptions — but it’s the bed. While I admittedly would like an actual bed, at least I don’t have to walk around foam padding. Not only is happiness worth far more than anything material but even the happiest of people are not necessarily content. We count ourselves blessed. Even as we look forward to a few niceties along the way, we are wholly content with the waiting & what we’re waiting with.

René wrote (amidst more):

Funny, I was just wondering today, why you ended up living there, surrounded by so many people like him? I hate Southern California… Please, keep creating, connecting with others and making us all laugh and think. The world needs more people like you — not more Mercedes driving bimbos who think that they’re making the world a better place by disposing of their cash on some bullshit carbon credits or an annual holiday donation to the local homeless shelter.

Being California kids & in love with the ocean, we had little choice in the matter but it is interesting that we’ve ended up in the desert. Now that we’re surrounded by far fewer bimbos & in a place of incredible energy, both creation & connection are ripe for the picking. We have no greater desire than to make others, as well as ourselves, laugh & think so cannot thank you enough for the encouragement!

Lorna wrote (amidst more):

First of all, I love the Walrus/Carpenter lead-in. There’s nothing quite so mind-clearing as a few hours spent with Lewis Carroll. .. I’ll be thinking of you this week as you take step number 793,621 in your journey.

Lewis Carroll always has been a favored source for both perspectives & consequences, not to mention perspectives on consequences. It’s not always clear what’s safe to eat or drink nor what side of the looking glass I’m on yet I’d rather take the journey — even if it’s down the rabbit hole — than stare in the mirror. What do I win on the millionth step? The discovery of what or if will make it worth the taking.

Maureen wrote:

I don’t write as eloquently as both of you, nor necessarily those that have commented before me. I wish you both the best of luck/happiness/good fortune (in whatever form it takes) in your move.

Eloquence, smelloquence; but thank you. The smell of insincere eloquence is quite rank but sincerity takes on an eloquence of its own. Your wishes are the stuff that sustains us. Granted, there’s still a need for some sustenance of nutritional value but, no worries, that’ll come too with a little good fortune. Simply having such a dynamic cheering section, as found herein, makes everything possible.

(|_|*cheers*|_|)
“When we realize that the best we have to bring to any situation is being just who we are, we relax.”
~ Anne Wilson Schaef ~

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• 

In that small pocket — supposedly for coinage — my jeans provide, I carry a small cross inscribed with the word HOPE. My mom carries its twin but for a different inscription: BELIEVE. We bought them as gifts for each other during a joint vigil while my Grandma was in hospital.

“In all things it is better to hope than to despair.”
~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe ~

While we mutually agreed the wee crosses were charming reminders of essential things & must be exchanged, we each chose the other’s. There was a basket full of concepts worthy of being toted on one’s person but absolutely no contest as to which should be chosen.

“Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark.”
~ George Iles ~

For as long as I can remember, Momma has chosen to believe.. Phenomenally enough, in belief itself. While she was susceptible to doubting herself, she refused to doubt the possibilities that lay within her children or the world at large. She’s an active reminder that anything is possible.

“Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don’t give up.”
~ Anne Lamott ~

The beauty of commitment to that level of belief is that it’s mind opening. Not only does it free you to think outside the box but said box becomes a mere dot on the horizon. Your hopes take on shapes never before designed. Your dreams are no longer fathomable by many.

“Hope is the dream of a soul awake.”
~ French Proverb ~

The irony is, when you grow up understanding you really can be whatever you want, you’re not likely to opt for anything imaginable by most. The ideals you doggedly pursue may seem a far cry from ideal to the casual onlooker. There are no limits & happiness is a choice you repeatedly make along the way.

“Hope is the thing with feathers, that perches in the soul, and sings the tune without words, and never stops at all.”
~ Emily Dickinson ~

The seed of faith my mom planted has grown into a life without regret. No matter what form my life takes at any given time, I’m thrilled to be living it & excited about where I’m headed. So invested am I in the journey rather than the destination that I’m willing to take my time. I don’t want to just smell the roses, I want to watch them grow.

“What oxygen is to the lungs, such is hope to the meaning of life.”
~ Emil Brunner ~

Momma always called me her “Pollyanna” whose Glad Game is second nature to me. Due to my passionate curiosity about the world & beyond, I’ve seen its darkness as well as my own. It’s that contrasting view, without the benefit of rose-colored glasses, that gives meaning to what light shines through.

“Hope is the feeling that the feeling you have isn’t permanent.”
~ Jean Kerr ~

While admittedly an eternal optimist, my optimism is tempered — no, balanced — with realism. As a realistic optimist, my circumstances are never tainted by hope but neither is my hope ever diminished by circumstance. Difficulty & possibility are met shoulder to shoulder.

A person’s optimism in the future seems to be controlled by a small front part of the mid-brain, according to a study that used brain imaging.

That area deep behind the eyes activates when people think good thoughts about what might happen in the future. The more optimistic a person is, the brighter the area showed up in brain scans, the scientists reported in a small study published online Thursday in the journal Nature. [source]

Now I know, I’m physiologically justified in my extreme optimism. It just so happens that part of my brain is wired that way, just as the part of my brain that perceives pain is likely wired wrong.

“When you say a situation or a person is hopeless, you are slamming the door in the face of God.”
~ Charles L. Allen ~

It may seem my faith in God makes sense of my determined hope yet hope was my first basis for faith. My life is in halves now; the first half being lived by that determination alone with the discoveries made since adding untold dimension to hope. This article touches on the fact that no evidence is needed to support expectation:

“Understanding healthy optimism is important because optimism is related to mental and physical health and to success. We can have people who are not necessarily depressed but have different levels of optimism,” said another of the researchers, Tali Sharot of University College London who was at NYU when the study was conducted.

With all outward proof currently lacking, I nonetheless know my hunny & I have made progress toward our inexplicable goals. Moreover, that we’re right on track & just where we should be.

“Hope is not the conviction that something will turn out well but the certainty that something makes sense,
regardless of how it turns out.”
~ Vaclav Havel ~

Living wholly in the here & now, rather than for the future, may look like failure to some; it certainly takes some bizarre detours but, as my Grandma always says, “This too shall pass.”

(|_|*cheers*|_|)
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
~ Thomas Edison ~

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• 

Christianity — no, wait, don’t leave.. honest — is in a quandary. Ironically and ever so sadly, it’s actually Christians who play into its PR nightmare. Any form of faith as merely religion loses its authenticity amidst cultural expectations. [Alliteration warning] A firmly founded faith is freeing. If people spent more time exploring their beliefs rather than avoiding what they dare not believe, they’d discern the freedom to consider the possibilities. Within a context of surpassing truth, there need be no fear of what may be true.

Each piece of the grand puzzle we uncover expands our own potential of being. Only with a narrow world-, not to mention universe-, view do we settle for being less than we could. Less in so many devastating ways too; less understanding thus less forgiving, less patient thus less present, less tolerant thus less human. I cannot express how maddening it is to have my beliefs cited as justification for so much that utterly contradicts them. In a world of religious insanity, it’s beyond refreshing to find a sane voice; Julie, on her since edited blog, “Observations From the Roof of a Building,” shared:

I’ve been embroiled in a constant struggle to examine things like artistic expression and contrast it against my Christian theism. It’s led me to a whole lot of weird places. I’ve been putting stuff like sex, violence, language, etc. under the microscope for years now, but the past year especially has found me wrestling especially with my inner demons. I think it’s because I’ve learned a lot about myself through pretending to be someone else.

I’m not a perfect person. I’m not even what you would call a well-adjusted person. I’ve done stuff and had thoughts that most of you have never had to wrestle with and I think I’m a bit of a damaged person because of it. I’ve not killed anyone or done anything along those lines, but I’ve seen the inner monsters nonetheless. I was 18 when I became a Christian, which is more than enough years for someone to do a few really asinine things and things like the fact that I got married at the age of 17 are not mere coincidences. You can debate the psychological reasons amongst yourselves, the point of all of this is that I have a very definite dark side I’ve not had to face until now.

So, when I became a Christian, I had a very gross misconception of what a Christian should be. I was taught very early on that there were things one does not read, watch, listen to, think about, like, hate, etc. that were part and parcel of the Christian code of conduct. Some of them have some veracity. Other stuff was just Evangelical tradition and/or false piety run amok. But the person I became is not the person I am. And the veneer finally started to crack a few years ago and has been shattering progressively ever since. I’ve tried to pretend far too many things about myself are true when they’re not.

Concepts of faith versus religion thus Christianity are seldom agreed upon. Definitions aside, the only truth to be found in any of these topics is whatever remains once the various expectations imposed on them have been dismissed. As I said in my reply to Helium’s query “How religious faith causes problems in society,” the very topic answers its own question:

For, while faith has indeed been the excuse for many a problem throughout history, faith itself is not the culprit. As there are all types of faith, it’s understandable that it must be specified which is being asked about. Yet, herein lies the rub for it’s religion rather than faith that can cause societal problems. Religious faith is indeed the most infamous of all faiths since it helps create the fervor that gives religion its ego. Whatever form faith takes, using it as an excuse to further a cause rather than the basis for becoming who we hope to be is what gives rise to problems.

(|_|*cheers*|_|)
“Human beings are perhaps never more frightening than when they are convinced beyond doubt that they are right.”
~ Laurens van der Post ~

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• 

We’ve all seen them, many of us read them & a few even answer them. It’s not surveys themselves that have me baffled but what (little) is done with them. If still young enough that you’re getting to know yourself as much as others; all those short, sparse answers make sense. Survey after survey becomes the teen equivalent of Speed Dating. Throw ideas out there, the quicker the better so that more & more can be tried on for size. Amidst discovery of self, even not changing every answer makes a bit of sense. If you agree with the previous survey-taker’s response, nothing’s wrong with a time-saving ‘me too’ but why not actually say it?

The opportunity to connect with people, to compare & contrast what makes each of you you is a worthy undertaking. It’s phenomenal that the internet allows such pursuits to far outreach our previous grasp. With so many people to potentially reach, no wonder there’s a frenzy to utilize all the tools at our disposal. Of course, the aforementioned quality vs quantity is bound to come into play. Is it really better to offer more replies to that universal “Who are YOU?” than thoughtful ones?! If no time is taken to think while you’re literally in the process of learning what you think, what’s the point?

Here’s the thing: Surveys could be both ingenious & fun. An excellent start; if a yes/no question were elaborated upon, actual dialogs could be spawned. Let’s get past the games & use the madness to our advantage. Treat a survey more like ‘truth or dare‘ (SOME games are transcendent); never delete a question you’re not comfortable answering, admit that about yourself. Not only is honesty good for the soul but that simple fact tells the reader something about you. After all, isn’t that the goal? Towards that end, truth to self may mean an utter lack of truth is called for. By all means, lie but lie BIG!

Whether you’re of my more soulfully explorative ilk or RhodesTer‘s entertainingly maniacal one, don’t hesitate to participate. Granted, not all surveys are created equal. Those with queries that get you talking about yourself, honestly or in jest (just make it obvious which ), offer the chance at a virtual conversation. Like with so much else, ahem – marriage, it’s not partaking in surveys that’s ridiculous but doing so unthinkingly. Such exercises in sharing will not be for everyone but, for those of us who think a friend is just a stranger whose survey we haven’t read yet, let’s not only take part but do so with gusto..

THREE THINGS

Three things that scare me:

Three people who make me laugh:

Three Things I love:

my kitties’ tummies (Dave’s too )

Three Things I hate:

Three things I don’t understand:

Three things on my desk:

Three things I’m doing right now:

Three things I want to do before I die:

Three things I can do:

Three ways to describe my personality:

Three things I can’t do:

Take this survey | Find more surveys
Bzoink – The Original Survey Site

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• 

I’m sharing a post from the past because this city — that has long been home to our hearts — is finally simply home to RhodesTer et moi, along with ShadowSillybutt & PaganPuppycat.
See the top of the first sidebar for more.

Identity is a wily thing. Often, the more people try to be different, the more alike they become. Worse yet, there are times when we forfeit who we are to keep our sense of self. How’s that for the ultimate irony? Just as with all journeys in life — including life itself — it’s a long & winding road. (cue Sheryl Crow) In our determination to not only be true to ourselves but discover that very truth, we have to be willing to take risks & be wrong. Moreover, find the courage to admit when we’re wrong, especially about ourselves.

Whether it’s a trench coat worn straight from Granddad’s closet until they started becoming popular or justified compromises, neither sentiment or yearning should be ignored. In fact, our logic needs to be informed by our feelings. Choices can only lead to happiness when made from desire. There is nothing more grounding than a decision entirely of your own accord. So firmly seated in this ride called life will you be that nothing can shake you. That is where self-confidence is born.

In a moment of clarity, wherein you are doing something because it is right for YOU, you will not only see yourself clearly but others too. It will no longer matter if you are not perceived as the unique individual you know yourself to be &, beautifully enough, such an epiphany will most likely lead to your uniqueness shining through. (cue Cyndi Lauper) Rather than recloseting a coat so as not to appear trendy, its continued use simply connected me to the most important man in my life. Without him, RhodesTer‘s similar soul wouldn’t have been recognized.

Herein lies the rub, it’s perception — even, if not especially, our own — that cannot be allowed to rule. That is the system, of which we are an inadvertent part, that we must buck to remain real. The desire to belong is potent but unnerving. How does one find acceptance via truth only to self? By first reveling in our parting of ways & disparate paths then gratefully embracing those that find their way back to the same places as we. San Francisco is such a place, especially in my immediate family.

Not only was I born near there but have since proven the impact of environment, even via the womb, for I became a neo-hippie far removed from my pre-birth days at Haight & Ashbury. Despite the influence you are no doubt assuming, my mother was quite removed from her hippie days as well. Before her removal though, during an uneasy time living just outside the City by the Bay, any chance to cross the bridge became a saving grace. In turn, while I was growing up stifled in central California, trips to that city of my heart (cue Tony Bennett) were my salvation. Later, Dave & I created some of our best moments in good ol’ SF.

Now, completely apart from Momma & I, my brother found a home in the very city I grew up thinking would be my home someday. So, despite being outrageously different people & all 3 on astonishingly separate paths, we each found salvation across a bridge or two on a peninsula that defies description. San Francisco is hometown to none yet a home of sorts to all &, best of all, an actual home to one. Welcome home, Jordan Wynden Leigh! What a joy to be able to reunite my heart in tandem for it resides both w/you & your city.

(|_|*cheers*|_|)
“I left my heart in San Francisco
High on a hill, it calls to me
To be where little cable cars
Climb halfway to the stars!”
~ Douglass Cross ~

UPDATE: Jordan long ago crossed back over the Golden Gate so San Francisco is no longer his home but it is mine & he still visits from time to time.

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• 

While Bohemian at the core of my being, even I lose track of the fact that it’s a state of inner being. Admittedly, it is very often reflected outwardly as well. In fact, anyone truly Bohemian at heart will have experienced some form of degradation. Most of my life has been lived less than comfortably, both literally & monetarily. No surprise that the latter typically causes the former.

Is finally having a nice apartment, not to mention working for a corporation, a betrayal of my true self? Ironically, it’s the means of remaining true to myself. We have to choose our evils of this world. Honestly, selling out would have been Blockbusted, whereas Hollywood provides a job I enjoy within a construct I can respect. For the truth of the matter is that I have the wherewithal to (as Grandma still says ;->) truly “be anything” but, fortunately, not the willingness.

Not struggling from paycheck to paycheck is still the dream yet not one worth just ANY price. I have to actually enjoy what I do *and* have a modicum of freedom to be myself in the process. So, the true Bohemian life is to do just enough within the confines of ‘civilized’ living to enable yourself to go on living a life you grok. Thus the nice apartment, as the previous hits & misses were all part of the journey. A necessary journey en route to finding another piece of the puzzle that is ultimately me being me.

Simplistically, what’s the struggle for if not to improve one’s life bit by bit. Moreover, the inability to conform, by definition, takes no particular form. I do not live a life less than typically successful in order to disconnect from a homogenized, greedy world. Instead, I am unable to be typically successful due to the inability to connect to such homogenized greed. Bottom line, the determination to be oneself is one that actually does come at all costs.

(_)> “To Days Of Inspiration,
Playing Hookey, Making Something
Out Of Nothing, The Need
To Express -
To Communicate,
To Going Against The Grain,
Going Insane,
Going Mad” – Mark in ‘Rent’

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• 

A new year has more than begun, & nearly a year has gone by since this blog’s incarnation, thus the time has come, as the Walrus said, to talk of many things.. If not shoes, ships & sealing wax then perhaps just a random thought or two.

Inasmuch as the walrus’ forum was seaside, the fact that all things have their own ebb & flow seems apropos. Although I am a poet (yes, my feet do show it), the give & take of each aspect of life is inescapable. Not only do each of our actions create, more obviously, reaction but, moreover, ripples. Therein lies balance in the making.

Furthermore, any inaction creates a void. Perhaps that is all that is happening when a friendship starts to wane. Granted, everything to its season &, admittedly, the shorter the life cycle — the shorter the seasons. So, the inaction that inevitably comes with my younger friends as their lives continue growing & evolving cannot help but lessen the friendship.

That very lessening is a direct result of the increase in other areas of their lives which simply means our friendship has served its purpose. Upon loving who they are/were, the true appreciation was for who they yet could/might be so I find myself now — as ever — equally sad & overjoyed.

The tide will always be a cherished wonder & the power of the moon will never cease to amaze me. I only hope my own energy creates naught but good ripples…

(|_|*cheers*|_|)
“The…let’s call them ripples… the ripples left behind are sad… but good.”
~ God in “Joan of Arcadia” ~

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• 

My inability, okay – unwillingness, to be anonymous has created more belongingness across the net than I have ever known in the supposedly more tangible world. Of course, the true culprit is my refusal to remain mute for long as the desire to respond inevitably leads to yet another membership somewhere. There is no denying the instant access with nearly as ready acceptance is perhaps the most appealing aspect of the internet. Whether one is grateful for the chance to be exactly who they are without pretense or thankful their persona need not make an appearance before their opinion, the expression of self is certainly more honest — even in the deceit.

(_)> “Obscurity is the refuge of incompetence.” – Jubal in ‘Stranger In A Strange Land’ by Robert A. Heinlein

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•